Saturday, March 29, 2008

neither here nor there

On Tuesday I had a breakthrough! I realized that I have been shutting my senses off by driving everywhere – by walking around the corner to the shop to buy an iced coffee I felt like I was reconnecting. I found the positive. The sky is blue. There is a strong breeze. I liked feeling the cold concrete on my bare feet. I liked the sounds of my neighbourhood. Life is okay. Life is good. Life will be good again. I’ve missed my neighbourhood. We live in the nicest place on earth. We can walk to a beautiful beach any time we like. We live in a quiet, nice neighbourhood. I love the little Malaysian man that runs the shop around the corner. I’ve missed him. He is so cheerful, the way he greets every person like a long lost friend, even if he is in the middle of serving a customer - it is catching.

Haven’t got much to say these days. Im feeling just fine at the moment and not really thinking about Caden much. I feel awful for that though. I'm sick. Got a cold from Rory I think. I have so much to organize for Caden’s memorial party though. And still no motivation to do it.

Kim said last night that she gets angry and jealous when she looks at babies that are healthy when Caden isn’t. She then agrees with me and says that she’s glad they are healthy because no one deserves this.

My mind is completely gone. I have NO memory whatsoever. I realized tonight, at about 7pm, that I had not gone in to pay for the hall for the memorial on Sunday - or picked up the keys. Cue frantic mess of trying to find a phone number to contact Nathan to try and get the keys so we can at least get into the hall. Kim drove out to see whether there was an after hours number on the door, and I called the council to see if they could contact someone. About an hour later, I got a phone call from Nathan himself telling me that he will come to let me in on Sunday personally. Oh bless him.

Things are starting to come together - we are going to buy some balloons and stuff tomorrow. Ooh and we have appointments for a full body massage tomorrow morning. Bless Amy for getting us those!


CLC said...

I am so sorry for your loss of Caden. It's just not fair. He was beautiful.

I have memory problems too. It has gotten better somewhat, but in those first two months after losing Hannah, I couldn't even finish a sentence because I would forget what I wanted to say. I still have trouble focusing on anything for longer than 5 minutes, but I am making some progress.

G said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Caden is beautiful.

Memory loss, oy. I still, almost 5 months since the stillbirth, can't quite remember short term memory things well.

Thinking of you

Kristi said...

Brooke and Kim, Please know I'm thinking of you as you are, no doubt, preparing for Caden's Day today. Lots of hugs and peaceful thoughs for you both.


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