Thursday, March 6, 2008

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

I didn’t say anything at the burial. I planned on writing something to say but I didn’t. And when I got there there wasn’t anything I could think to say. I didn’t cry much. Kim did. I felt so calm and together. Even the music didn’t make me lose it like I thought I would – like I did when I downloaded it.

We went to see him at the funeral home before the burial. In a strange twist of fate, the camera I was waiting for turned up in the morning. I took it with me and took a hundred photos of Caden in his casket. Rory ended up coming to see him, wanted to touch him, know what he felt like. So he did. Then he turned around and said "Can I go back to school now?". I'll write more about Rory later.

One of Cadens feet was covered in ink from his footprints - Kim looked at it and said "We all have inky feet!" We both had his name tattooed on the side of our right foot on tuesday night - so that he will always walk with us.

We wrote messages for him on the back of photos of each of us holding him and lined the sides with photos of us. My mum put in a little hat with a St Christopher medal stitched on, kims parents wanted a little guardian angel pin which i put on his gown (they live on an island and can only fly out once a year so they couldnt be there). Rory picked out a little blue giraffe to put in with him too (we thought it was tiny but it was half his size! I forgot how tiny he was) and Kim and I made origami cranes which we put in with his blocks that spell CADEN. There was just no room for his blanket. And the newborn socks were 50 times too big. We taped a photo of Kim, Caden and I on the inside of the lid so he can see us right there.

He was smaller than I remembered. His hands and feet werent in great shape. I wish I hadnt pulled his little hands out to look at them. There was a reason they were hidden under his gown. I wish I hadnt looked, I wish I had kept the only memory of them in the hospital, soft and almost chubby - if a 3lb baby can be chubby at all. He was really gone this time. There was no trace of him there. I wished that Amy and Mum and Rory could have seen him like he was in the hospital. He wasnt the same yesterday. I cant bring myself to look at the photos. They arent as nice. I am glad I took them, and that I got to kiss his tiny head again, but I dont think I will look at them again, at least not for awhile. I thought I would want to be there for hours, but I was ready to go pretty fast. I couldnt hold him, he was really gone, and I was ready for it all to be over.

We left and went to sit in a park. It was pretty hot. 40C (104F).

We got to the memorial park at 2:13pm.
Caden's burial was quiet and short, when we got there i had nothing to say, as someone said - i think it was kim - all our words are in there with him.
Chrissy was very upset so was Nanny Coral. I just sat there holding Kim, then we lowered him into the ground and placed two of our origami cranes on the casket. They had a blue ribbon wrapped around it to hold and lower him in with. The others threw some rose petals in.
We only had my mum, kims sister, her aunt and her grandmother at the burial. Friends wanted to be there but we kept it private. It was so peaceful and I was strangely calm. I thought I would lose it but I really didnt. We just sat in silence and listened to his songs - Over the rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole; Per Te by Jovanotti; and You are so Beautiful by Joe Cocker. Kim was more upset than me. she cried more than she has thus far. I just held her and then hugged everyone in turn. Kim whispered "he will never be forgotten". Nanny Coral said that our love for each other will get us through.

We both feel quite calm and at peace knowing that Caden is where we wanted. I am so grateful that ive been so calm and collected (if in denial) so that I could take care of all these things.

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