Wednesday, March 12, 2008

20,639 minutes

Two weeks today since I gave birth. 343 hours 59 minutes. 20,639 minutes. One week since we laid him to rest. I slept through the actual anniversary time I think (2:41pm). Maybe I was awake. I think actually I had just woken up. I think.

Today was a bad day. I cried in the middle of the day for the first time in awhile. I slept most of the day except when I had to deal with the swarm of police that turned up to deal with the psycho domestic disturbance next door.

I went out to get iced coffee tonight at 7:15pm and cried on the way home. I just feel so melancholy.

It has become really hard to read the updates on the 3rd trimester GLBT board. I was fine with it until just today or yesterday. I just read up on it and saw Marnie’s update. She was only one week behind me. To read about how the baby is sitting low, I don’t know it took my breath. Caden should still be where her baby is. No, actually, he would have been born by now. We should be in the hospital, or just got home. Not right. None of this is right. I feel like it will take us forever to have a baby. It will be a 2 year journey from the first pregnancy test to when we might have a baby. And that’s assuming that I get pregnant in the next few months. I’m starting to doubt even that.

I picked up the photos I had printed at Kmart. I am so sad that so many of them are blurry. I hate that my camera didn’t turn up in time. If they had sent me the payment slip when I asked for it, it would have arrived in time and we would have better photos of caden. We can never take any more. That’s what kills me. All the things we can’t go back and redo.

Kim just told me that I had night terrors again. Apparently I sat bolt upright screaming at 4:30am this morning. I have NO recollection of it. I didn’t go to bed until 3am. I know that much. But I thought I slept soundly. I wonder what I was dreaming about.

Im still getting the pregnancy weekly updates in my email. I delete them as I get them but it is so weird to still see “week 39” written there. Are you serious? I still wouldn’t be full full term yet? It feels like I gave birth months ago. I cant believe it has been only two weeks.


Kristi said...

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that Caden is a beautiful baby. I find myself counting the measures of time as well... just not right is it?

Chris said...

Hi, my thoughts are with you all.
Crying with you.

Not sure of this is suitable and so please forgive me for asking but I don't know if copies of your very special pictures could be enhanced in some way with a photo editing package? I know it is private and I would never want to intrude...I am just wondering? I am happy to help if I can and if ever you want to think about it and let me know if I can help then do so via my blog.

Oh and I am in contact with Hayley and that is how I found your blog. Hope you didn't mind me sending my love and thoughts.

with love Chris

Luisa said...

Hey Brooke, i was thinking about you today so logged on to see how you were doing. are you and kim staying strong? there's nothing really i can do for you but i just wanted to let you know that we are thinking of you.


blogger templates | Make Money Online