the scent of grief

I have a candle that an online friend sent me after Caden died.
It sits on our Caden Cabinet in our family room.

It had such a strong scent in the room for months. Every day I would get a strong smell of it and smile and think of Caden. Recently though, I haven't smelt it at all, until out of the blue three times in the past week. Incidentally, I have had a few rough "caden moments" in the past week as well, where I broke down and cried for the first time in quite a while.

The candle, and its scent, is a lot like my grief.

It comes and goes in short waves, it was stronger in the first few months, and now it is always there, I just can't always smell it.

Changes

I have returned.

On my very short break from the internet (during which I continued to visit certain sites daily - just lurked rather than commented - yes my addiction to the internet is that severe!!) I reached a few conclusions about certain things.

First. My perspective has changed somewhat on the IVF issue. I discovered that I could handle the idea of the 8 month wait fairly well (because really, time flies) until I start thinking about how other people are getting pregnant and having babies now. I discovered that it was not so much that I couldn't get pregnant now, as it was an issue of jealousy that they were doing it now, and a need to 'keep up' as it were.

Really, how ridiculous. I can no longer set our timelines by other people.

Also I decided to shift my focus somewhat and by giving myself certain projects, I feel that I can better pass the time. Of course tied up in all of this was the receiving of a letter from the head of obstetrics at my hospital - telling me that the odds of me having another terminal baby are very high. Higher than we originally thought, and too high for me to even consider trying to have another child without IVF.

In response to the 'bad' news about IVF (in that it will take much, much longer than I was originally told - and the letter mentioned above) I responded in the only way I know how. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, and generally was incredibly negative about everything and anything. I behaved as though it were the end of the world.

On my fifth day of said process (possibly in a state of delirium induced by not having eaten and barely sleeping), I decided enough was enough. I was done wallowing because it solved nothing. I was done being this shell of a person because I know that in part I do it so that everyone around me knows - I am not better. I am not over my son dying.

In some ways, I felt that I was appearing too 'good' to the outside world and I wanted them to know that I was still hurting.

problem is - no-one ever notices.

So it's rather pointless really.

Yesterday I spent the day redesigning my blog. I needed something brighter, something happier. Because while my beloved son dying shook me to the core of my very being, it did not kill me. And I need to brighten up my life and my outlook before I should even consider having another child. That and my surviving son needs me too much.

This is not to say that in a few days I will not fall in a messy heap again - but for now...I think I'm okay. And this morning, in the post, I received an amazing gift. A beautiful bracelet from one of my new friends - the ones who understand me, who will never judge me, and who love Caden.

Thank you Michelle.

Life can be good - it just takes a lot to be able to see it when something as precious as your child is taken from you.

I am grateful

I am grateful to have the most incredible partner I could ask for
I am grateful to have my crazy, mischievous, often naughty 6 year old
I am grateful to have my sister in law who makes me smile and loves us unconditionally
I am grateful to live in a country with free healthcare
I am grateful to be able to access IVF even though we have to wait
I am grateful to live in an amazing area near the beach, in a street filled with children
I am grateful to have had the opportunity to hold and love my Caden
I am grateful to be alive

neither here nor there

On Tuesday I had a breakthrough! I realized that I have been shutting my senses off by driving everywhere – by walking around the corner to the shop to buy an iced coffee I felt like I was reconnecting. I found the positive. The sky is blue. There is a strong breeze. I liked feeling the cold concrete on my bare feet. I liked the sounds of my neighbourhood. Life is okay. Life is good. Life will be good again. I’ve missed my neighbourhood. We live in the nicest place on earth. We can walk to a beautiful beach any time we like. We live in a quiet, nice neighbourhood. I love the little Malaysian man that runs the shop around the corner. I’ve missed him. He is so cheerful, the way he greets every person like a long lost friend, even if he is in the middle of serving a customer - it is catching.

Haven’t got much to say these days. Im feeling just fine at the moment and not really thinking about Caden much. I feel awful for that though. I'm sick. Got a cold from Rory I think. I have so much to organize for Caden’s memorial party though. And still no motivation to do it.

Kim said last night that she gets angry and jealous when she looks at babies that are healthy when Caden isn’t. She then agrees with me and says that she’s glad they are healthy because no one deserves this.

My mind is completely gone. I have NO memory whatsoever. I realized tonight, at about 7pm, that I had not gone in to pay for the hall for the memorial on Sunday - or picked up the keys. Cue frantic mess of trying to find a phone number to contact Nathan to try and get the keys so we can at least get into the hall. Kim drove out to see whether there was an after hours number on the door, and I called the council to see if they could contact someone. About an hour later, I got a phone call from Nathan himself telling me that he will come to let me in on Sunday personally. Oh bless him.

Things are starting to come together - we are going to buy some balloons and stuff tomorrow. Ooh and we have appointments for a full body massage tomorrow morning. Bless Amy for getting us those!

Easter Sunday

SUNDAY

Yesterday sucked. I spent most of the day upset. We went down to Marion Bay to see the Goldings. Everyone acted completely normally. I was very quiet. K asked what was wrong. I said “Everything” and he hugged me. But other than that everyone acted like nothing happened.

When we got home I cried on the bed a little and just lay there. I think Kim and I had a few little talks. About how I know that life has to go on but I hated that everyone acted like nothing happened. She had come in and asked “what’s wrong” my answer was “my baby’s dead”.

I feel like I just need that acknowledged.

It was my first outing to people outside of immediate family. And I guess this is how it will be. Kim says we can’t force people to talk about it or expect them too. And I know that, but it still sucked.

Kim and I stayed up and watched a movie. I was happy, laughing, smiling, talking, I love that movie. Then it ended and I went into the bathroom and it just hit me. My baby is dead. That awful reality had an impact for the first time. I went from being ok to that sinking bad feeling, knowing this is my reality now.

I felt really disconnected again though. The same feeling I have had off and on since I was about 5 or 6 years old. Feeling like “what is the point to all of this?” and “why are we really here” and feeling really outside of myself. I feel like that a lot at the moment.

This morning was hard. I didn’t put out Rory’s presents last night – left that to Kim. I kept thinking about how we should have been doing that for two boys not one. This morning sucked equally. I got up, reluctantly, but I didn’t take any photos. Just couldn’t bring myself to. I’m glad there are people here to get Rory in that happy mood because god knows I couldn’t. I received my gifts with barely a smile and didn’t really talk. I was sorry to be in a mood but I feel they should all understand and make allowances for me. I want some special treatment I guess. I should be allowed to be in a shit mood. Ended up sleeping until after lunch. I eventually got up and ate some lunch, now Kim has gone for a nap and I sit here trying to write all the thoughts I have had over the past few days.

I can’t even remember all of them.

The Big Brother

Rory is in a right state. He has been staying with mum. We took him to Kmart on Tuesday to buy Caden a present to go in his casket. The whole time all he could say was "I want I want" and sulking when he didn’t get his way. I think he isn’t dealing well but doesnt know how to cope with what he is feeling.

I asked him “would you like to get your baby brother a toy to take to heaven with him?” He wanted to know how it would get to heaven. I told him straight that Caden would be put in a box and buried in the ground in a special place. We could put the toy in with him to play with in heaven. He wanted to know how it would get to heaven. He wanted to see Caden. I explained that he was already in heaven.

His first response to my question of what kind of toy he might like to put in was “not a car because he might chew on it” I nearly burst right into tears. We walked around a bit looking at things. Asked whether he might like to get him a My Little Pony. Rory loves My Little Ponies. We looked at them but he wanted to keep looking. “Oh! Here’s the baby toys!” he said. I explained we couldn’t get anything big. It’s a little box. He eventually got to the soft toy aisle. “Maybe a teddy to cuddle when he goes to sleep” he said. I agreed that was a good idea. We found pastel coloured toys in just the right size. We picked a blue giraffe. It suits so well. Caden had lots of giraffes and a romper that says “silly little giraffe”. It’s perfect. We bought one for Rory to have as well.

When we got home he wrote on the card on the toy – it had a To: and From: and he wrote Caden and Rory on it. Then he wanted to write something else. He ended up writing I Love You on it too. He said "when I put the toy in"…
I said “mummy and Kim will put the toy in”
but Rory was firm, he wanted to see Caden. I told him it’s just his body; he has died and will be dead in the box. He still wanted to see him. He wanted to see him now. I explained we couldn’t see him now – I couldn’t see him today either, just tomorrow (the day of the burial).

I said “don’t you think you might be scared, or sad?” he didn’t know, but he was adamant that he wanted to see him. Who am I to deny him his little brother?

I finally felt up to him coming home yesterday. Kim and I picked him up from school. It was the longest we have ever been apart, the 9 nights we were apart. He is being a little challenging but mostly just really over-affectionate, hugging and kissing a lot.

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I got out of thehouse for a few hours, went shopping, and even managed to eat a meal for the first time in 3 days.

Let's call that progress shall we?