Monday, March 24, 2008

Easter Sunday


Yesterday sucked. I spent most of the day upset. We went down to Marion Bay to see the Goldings. Everyone acted completely normally. I was very quiet. K asked what was wrong. I said “Everything” and he hugged me. But other than that everyone acted like nothing happened.

When we got home I cried on the bed a little and just lay there. I think Kim and I had a few little talks. About how I know that life has to go on but I hated that everyone acted like nothing happened. She had come in and asked “what’s wrong” my answer was “my baby’s dead”.

I feel like I just need that acknowledged.

It was my first outing to people outside of immediate family. And I guess this is how it will be. Kim says we can’t force people to talk about it or expect them too. And I know that, but it still sucked.

Kim and I stayed up and watched a movie. I was happy, laughing, smiling, talking, I love that movie. Then it ended and I went into the bathroom and it just hit me. My baby is dead. That awful reality had an impact for the first time. I went from being ok to that sinking bad feeling, knowing this is my reality now.

I felt really disconnected again though. The same feeling I have had off and on since I was about 5 or 6 years old. Feeling like “what is the point to all of this?” and “why are we really here” and feeling really outside of myself. I feel like that a lot at the moment.

This morning was hard. I didn’t put out Rory’s presents last night – left that to Kim. I kept thinking about how we should have been doing that for two boys not one. This morning sucked equally. I got up, reluctantly, but I didn’t take any photos. Just couldn’t bring myself to. I’m glad there are people here to get Rory in that happy mood because god knows I couldn’t. I received my gifts with barely a smile and didn’t really talk. I was sorry to be in a mood but I feel they should all understand and make allowances for me. I want some special treatment I guess. I should be allowed to be in a shit mood. Ended up sleeping until after lunch. I eventually got up and ate some lunch, now Kim has gone for a nap and I sit here trying to write all the thoughts I have had over the past few days.

I can’t even remember all of them.

1 comment:

Kayleigh said...

You have every right in the world to feel however you want. Other people either choose not to acknowledge your feelings or tell you that you shouldn't feel how you do for one of two reasons: 1) They've never experienced the heartache and pain that you have and probably will never have to, and thus look at your situation from a detached perspective that doesn't allow them to give you any leeway with your emotions, or 2) They have experienced much of the same situation, but were forced either by family/friends or themselves to pull away from it and not feel the things that any normal, sane person would feel (ie, you) if they lost a child.

You are mourning. Do so until you feel it's time to stop - and really, it will NEVER be time to stop. Don't listen to what other people tell you when it's nothing but "You shouldn't feel that" or "but it's over now". It will never be over for you, but you will eventually come to a point where normal functionality is an option again.

Much, much love from overseas. You two WILL make it and you WILL be fine - that's what Kim's there for. She loves you.


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