Friday, October 16, 2009

absent but still...

Its so hard to know what to write about in here most days. That's why my entries tend to be few and far between. What do you write?

Monday - I miss Caden
Tuesday - I miss Caden
Wednesday - Went out today. Missed Caden.
Thursday - Cried today. I miss Caden.
Friday - Fuck this sucks, why isnt he here with me?
Saturday - Thought about Caden.

I mean really, I dont spend my days in tears. But I do think of him. I don't wallow anymore the way I used to, but I do think of him a lot. More and more as we approach the 2 year mark (still months from now) as i have heard so many people say, year 2 is harder than year 1 and it's true.

This blog was created about him. My other children don't feature here, because this is his place. So it makes sense that I do not write here every day, as I do not have anything new to say about him!

He's beautiful, he is missed, and he is a star now.

Wave of Light

Last night (my time) was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Rememberance Day. We did the Wave of Light at 7pm lighting two candles and leaving them to burn all night. One for our Caden, the other for all of the lost babies all over the world.

On FB I posted about it and was overwhelmed by the number of people in my life who were lighting candles for my boy.

Much of the time it feels as though we are alone in this journey. That no-one but us is remembering our dear lost ones. And then a few times a year, we see that they are not forgotten, that people remember them with love and affection, even though they do not speak of it on any other day of the year.

So thank you to my friends who are burning candles for my boy, may his light never go out.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Dear Anonymous (dont you love these entries??)

Dear Anonymous (dont you love these entries??)

You said "You cant be serious? Bringing fetal remains into your house.. You must be very upset of course, but that would be prohibited by law i believe.. My science teacher friend lost her baby @ 14 weeks and she had it bottled in formalehyde. At least he was safe there in the house. Yeah, its messed up how ppl do evil things.."

Let me stop laughing before I continue.

Ahem. First off - you are a fucking idiot.
Thats mostly all I need to say...but I'll continue.

I do not plan on digging him up and bringing his remains home. Ever heard of cremation? Its this newfangled thing they've been doing for centuries. We will be having him exhumed and cremated.

In case you are too stupid to understand, this is somewhat different to "bottling up" a baby in formaldehyde.
PS are you freaking serious?

Don't come back now.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Thanks for your comments on my last entry.
For the record, it is NOT the cemetary removing things.

It is their policy NEVER to remove ANYTHING from the children's garden. They confirmed to me on Monday that nothing had ever been removed by their staff and that it is vandals and disgusting criminals stealing from babies' graves.

I know you meant well but I hate hearing over and over "oh it was probably the cemetary staff". It makes it feel like people are minimising how disturbing, distressing and disgusting the whole thing is. It is GRAVEROBBING, people.

We have a plan, and Caden will not be in that awful place much longer, the place that was supposed to be his peaceful eternal resting place but has become a fearful, scary place.

We are bringing him home.

Monday, September 7, 2009

What was I thinking?

It is midnight and I am in a panic.
I am thinking about everything being taken from Caden's grave yet again. I am thinking about what kind of people would do this. Bad people. Scum. Then I think about how he is out there. With those people doing god knows what in the cemetary. Clearly they aren't there for a good reason. Just to cause pain. And I think about him out there, all alone with them.

He isn't safe!
He is my baby and I have left him out there all alone with criminals and disgusting people desecrating his grave!

He isn't safe!
Would I leave my living children in a place with criminals? With bad people?

He isn't SAFE.

And I think of him lying in his casket, crying out for me. Crying, the way LB does. Wanting me to come and save him.

I know it is just the shell of him. That his spirit is gone. We felt that the day of the funeral. But I feel him linked to that shell as we all are in some way.

And I can see him crying for me, scared. So scared. All alone. Wanting to know why I am not there with him.

Why isn't he home with us?
Why didn't I bring him home?
I have to go and get him.
Bring him home where I can protect him.
What was I thinking putting him in the ground so far away from us? With strangers, with bad people walking over the top of him?

What was I thinking?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Heartbreak again

We went out to visit Caden today.

Once again his grave has been stripped bare.

I don't know how long I can continue like this, having him there, being violated over, and over again. I can't handle it. Why do people desecrate graves? Why do people steal from dead babies? What on earth would posess you to do that? The toys were weathered. They were verging on ratty due to all the bad weather. Nothing you would want to steal for yourself. Why do it? Why break my heart again?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Songs for the brother he will never know...

Little Bear and I sing softly...

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Just like Caden in the sky
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Please Vote

In memory of Caden, please go to and vote to help the Stillbirth Foundation. It takes about 10 seconds to do, but if they win, the Stillbirth Foundation will be able to fund more valuable and desperately needed research into why so many babies continue to be stillborn each year.

Please forward this to anyone you's free, it takes less than a minute, and you could be helping save hundreds of babies like Caden in the future.

Dear Stillbirth Foundation Australia supporters,

Canon have created a website entitled “Creative for a Cause” on which photographers can load photographs that depict a cause Australians are passionate about. The general public is then able to vote for their favourite photograph, and the one with the highest number of votes is the winner. Canon will then donate $60,000 to the charity nominated by the winning photographer.

The wonderful Belinda Pratten of Freeswimmers has entered a beautiful photograph entitled “Humpback Frolic” and very kindly nominated the Stillbirth Foundation Australia as the charity should her photograph win. Belinda has creatively and cleverly highlighted two very important causes through this photograph, that of whales and stillborn babies, the first recognised and the latter less so. The Stillbirth Foundation Australia would like to ask you to please do two things which will only take a couple of minutes of your time:

1. Follow the below link to the photograph (there may be a small delay as the photograph loads) and select “VOTE” on the bottom right of the screen. You will be asked to verify some letters and for your email address. Please know that Canon use this email address only to ensure that one vote is placed per email address, not for marketing purposes. So, if you have more than one email address, please nominate our photo with each address!

2. Then, please forward this email to as many friends and family and associates as you can. We need as many votes as we can get, and we would love you to use this fabulous electronic web of communication to spread our cause and our need for votes as far as possible.

Remember, if “Humpback Frolic” is the most popular photograph, the Stillbirth Foundation Australia wins $60,000! This amount of money can make a significant difference to reducing the numbers of babies delivered stillborn in Australia through either funding two years of a PhD project or an entire research project – thus providing us with valuable information and the ability to ultimately save babies’ lives. And, all it takes from you is a couple of clicks and a few moments of your time. Please help!

Thank you for your continued support.

Kind Regards,


Melinda Hickin

Office Manager

Stillbirth Foundation Australia

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

give me time

I love my blog. I do.
I love the people I have met here. I do.

But I just can't find the time to get on here at the moment!
Bear with me, hopefully as Little Bear grows and I spend less time trying to settle him I will have the time to come back to full time blogging.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Our Three Boys

Well it has been an awfully long time.
There is, however, a very good reason for my absence.

Little Bear arrived on the 7th March after what felt like a very long, and painful pregnancy. I was fortunate to have a great OB who agreed to induce at 36 weeks and our little man arrived weighing 8lbs 3oz.

He is an absolute joy, but has been occupying most of my time lately! Especially as he has had trouble gaining weight - he has just reached 10lb at 11 weeks old.

But he is a happy baby, smiling and laughing at us (when he feels like it).

I can hear you asking "since when was she pregnant??" lol. Well, to be honest we told so few people that some people IRL didnt even know that I was expecting. We only told family and close friends at 26 weeks, and others after he was born! We just didnt want to talk about it at all, it was all just so hard after losing Caden, we talked about it, about him, non stop while I was pregnant, but if anyone asked me anything I gave a short answer and walked away. Pregnancy was just such a shit time for us, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But it is all over now and we have a joyful, tiny bear with us now.

Plus, this space was always for Caden, and Caden alone. It didnt feel right to talk about my pregnancy here. But I have met so many wonderful people through my blog and I wanted to share this with you.

I still think of Caden, but not with the frequency I once did. I still miss him, but have stopped going to the cemetary every week. I have been once since Little Bear was born. I bought him some Easter decorations but never made it out to the cemetary.

LB doesnt take Caden's place, but the hurt has eased a little, I wont lie.
It feels like this is the way it was always supposed to be. Our three boys. Just one of them only had a short time on earth with us, and now he flies with the stars.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Comments on my last post.

"whatever. what quality of life do you think that your son would have had if he lived? You have every right to grieve and tell people to kiss your ass. Get pissed at the cemetary and every person whom you feel is not doing enough to hold your hand. Not everyone is wrong and not everyone is his mother. You can't be pissed at the world because it didn't stop the day you buried your son. Only YOUR world did. And those closest to you. The rest of our city...the sun continues to rise. I hope you are finding peace these days. I know you probably don't care what anyone else cares. That's okay. I'm not losing any sleep." - Anonymous


No really. What?
First off what did I do to deserve this?
Secondly, who the hell are you and do I know you?
Thirdly, have the BALLS to leave your name next time.
Lastly, Honestly, your rant made no sense. Please explain it to me??

I'm at a loss how to feel about this. My first reaction was pure nausea. Just made me feel ill to see someone spew forth such vindictive drivel.

My second reaction, I'm ashamed to say, was to think of a person I know who may have said this. Honestly, I would have thought no-one I know could be so cruel, but I've been surprised before.

I know most people have had an "Anonymous" experience on these sites...but I've been lucky so far to avoid it. Until now.

Honestly...what the hell???

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


The day came and went without being anything other than just another day.
Some flowers arrived from K's parents and her sister.
A package arrived from Jamie & Luisa (loved it btw)
One text message from my very best friend.

I did not make it out to the cemetary at all.
We chose not to.

Apparently this does not sit well with certain people who can kiss my ass.
No I did not make it out there.
No we did not take him cake and balloons.
Yes we do feel mildly guilty.
Is it any of your business? NO.

We will head out there in a week or so. I just couldn't bring myself to face it last week so I chose not to. That is my perogative. Get off my ass.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Death day

Well it has been quite awhile.
Not for any particularly good has just taken over as it is known to do. We bought a new house and have been frantically trying to renovate it (partly at least) before tenants move into our current house.

Coming up to Caden's birthday tomorrow has been...interesting. I have almost purposely pushed it out of my head despite being reminded by people around me.

I have no idea what we will do to mark the day - probably a cake and some balloons, I know K wants to have dinner at the cemetary, R wants to take pancakes to school to celebrate Caden's birthday (don't ask, I don't understand his logic either!)...but what do I want?

I always assumed that his first birthday would be a big deal. That I would want all our family around to celebrate his little short life.

But I find that I just want to be alone and the though of anyone sharing it with us is just not what I want AT ALL.

Today is my mum's birthday and also the day that we were told Caden had died, and I was induced. Not too sure how I feel about it, mum wanted me to take the day off work, but for what? To sit around at home alone remembering what I was doing every second of the day this time last year? No thanks.

Hmm. I should go and do some work though, considering I am here and all...

Friday, January 9, 2009


It has been awhile.
The fact is, like I said, I feel like I have run out of things to say. I've had a few nights of random tears but other than has marched on.
Christmas wasn't as hard as i thought. There were moments where I thought about where we were a year ago and how certain we were that the next year there would be a baby around. There were moments where I really felt him missing...but I was kept so busy with organising Christmas Lunch at our house and renovating the kitchen in time for it - well I just didn't really have any space left in my thoughts for dwelling on what might have been.

We went out to see Caden on Christmas Eve with my mum and took him some little gifts. A white reindeer with red and white striped ribbon (our theme this year was red/white candy stripes) - identical reindeer sat on the lunch table the next day. Kim bought him a little red snowglobe, and I got him a little white wooden train. My mum bought the two garden stakes in the second photo.

There was only one moment where he was brought up on Christmas, when Kims little cousin was reading her Christmas card (we sign off with all our names) and says "who's Caden?"
*cue dead silence* and me pretending I didnt hear her because while it didnt bother me in the slightest (we dont see her often and she wasnt at the funeral or anything) I knew that her mother (who was at the funeral) would be mortified and terrified that she had upset me!

No-one gave him any presents - which I kind of expected - like I've said before, I'm fairly sure everyone thinks we are "over it" because we aren't falling in a big messy heap - and it's one of those things people are eager to "put behind them" and never talk about again....

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