The Big Brother

Rory is in a right state. He has been staying with mum. We took him to Kmart on Tuesday to buy Caden a present to go in his casket. The whole time all he could say was "I want I want" and sulking when he didn’t get his way. I think he isn’t dealing well but doesnt know how to cope with what he is feeling.

I asked him “would you like to get your baby brother a toy to take to heaven with him?” He wanted to know how it would get to heaven. I told him straight that Caden would be put in a box and buried in the ground in a special place. We could put the toy in with him to play with in heaven. He wanted to know how it would get to heaven. He wanted to see Caden. I explained that he was already in heaven.

His first response to my question of what kind of toy he might like to put in was “not a car because he might chew on it” I nearly burst right into tears. We walked around a bit looking at things. Asked whether he might like to get him a My Little Pony. Rory loves My Little Ponies. We looked at them but he wanted to keep looking. “Oh! Here’s the baby toys!” he said. I explained we couldn’t get anything big. It’s a little box. He eventually got to the soft toy aisle. “Maybe a teddy to cuddle when he goes to sleep” he said. I agreed that was a good idea. We found pastel coloured toys in just the right size. We picked a blue giraffe. It suits so well. Caden had lots of giraffes and a romper that says “silly little giraffe”. It’s perfect. We bought one for Rory to have as well.

When we got home he wrote on the card on the toy – it had a To: and From: and he wrote Caden and Rory on it. Then he wanted to write something else. He ended up writing I Love You on it too. He said "when I put the toy in"…
I said “mummy and Kim will put the toy in”
but Rory was firm, he wanted to see Caden. I told him it’s just his body; he has died and will be dead in the box. He still wanted to see him. He wanted to see him now. I explained we couldn’t see him now – I couldn’t see him today either, just tomorrow (the day of the burial).

I said “don’t you think you might be scared, or sad?” he didn’t know, but he was adamant that he wanted to see him. Who am I to deny him his little brother?

I finally felt up to him coming home yesterday. Kim and I picked him up from school. It was the longest we have ever been apart, the 9 nights we were apart. He is being a little challenging but mostly just really over-affectionate, hugging and kissing a lot.

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I got out of thehouse for a few hours, went shopping, and even managed to eat a meal for the first time in 3 days.

Let's call that progress shall we?