Monday, March 31, 2008

The most awful kind of torture

Waiting for SIX WEEKS for the results of your son's autopsy is the worst kind of drawn out torture. I have now come across another serious possibility of what was wrong with Caden. It fits far too well with the little that we know about Cadens problems. It fits better than Trisomy 18.
I had found peace thinking if it was T18 he had no chance. That he went peacefully.
But this new option means that an ultrasound and a blood transfusion would have saved him.
I feel like Im going to throw up.
And I still have nearly 2 weeks to wait to find out what it was.

This is killing me.
The fact it could have been prevented.
The not knowing what it was
The not having closure
The not KNOWING
Oh god, if it could have been prevented.
I dont know what I will do...

4 comments:

Kristi said...

Oh Brooke ((hugs)) I want to tell you to stop beating yourself up but it's all part of the process so please, just go easy. There are always so many "what if's". Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

passingwindows said...

I came here via Becky of Mommy wants Vodka. I am so sorry you lost Caden. All I can say is that Kristi is right, unfortunately beating yourself up is part of this sad process but please be as gentle as you can with yourself. You made the very best decision you could on that day. I know that doesn't help, I know how awful the guilt is. I hope the news is not what you are dreading.

G said...

What if's are plentiful aren't they? Try to be gentle with yourself right now, this is a hard enough journey for us without getting worked up by Dr. Goo.gle. :)

(so says the Pot)

Becky said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine the hideous guilt and wanting to throw up. I want to throw up FOR you.

I'm thinking of you today and holding you and Caden in my heart.

 

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