Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Dear Anonymous (dont you love these entries??)

Dear Anonymous (dont you love these entries??)

You said "You cant be serious? Bringing fetal remains into your house.. You must be very upset of course, but that would be prohibited by law i believe.. My science teacher friend lost her baby @ 14 weeks and she had it bottled in formalehyde. At least he was safe there in the house. Yeah, its messed up how ppl do evil things.."

Let me stop laughing before I continue.

Ahem. First off - you are a fucking idiot.
Thats mostly all I need to say...but I'll continue.

I do not plan on digging him up and bringing his remains home. Ever heard of cremation? Its this newfangled thing they've been doing for centuries. We will be having him exhumed and cremated.

In case you are too stupid to understand, this is somewhat different to "bottling up" a baby in formaldehyde.
PS are you freaking serious?

Don't come back now.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Thanks for your comments on my last entry.
For the record, it is NOT the cemetary removing things.

It is their policy NEVER to remove ANYTHING from the children's garden. They confirmed to me on Monday that nothing had ever been removed by their staff and that it is vandals and disgusting criminals stealing from babies' graves.

I know you meant well but I hate hearing over and over "oh it was probably the cemetary staff". It makes it feel like people are minimising how disturbing, distressing and disgusting the whole thing is. It is GRAVEROBBING, people.

We have a plan, and Caden will not be in that awful place much longer, the place that was supposed to be his peaceful eternal resting place but has become a fearful, scary place.

We are bringing him home.

Monday, September 7, 2009

What was I thinking?

It is midnight and I am in a panic.
I am thinking about everything being taken from Caden's grave yet again. I am thinking about what kind of people would do this. Bad people. Scum. Then I think about how he is out there. With those people doing god knows what in the cemetary. Clearly they aren't there for a good reason. Just to cause pain. And I think about him out there, all alone with them.

He isn't safe!
He is my baby and I have left him out there all alone with criminals and disgusting people desecrating his grave!

He isn't safe!
Would I leave my living children in a place with criminals? With bad people?

He isn't SAFE.

And I think of him lying in his casket, crying out for me. Crying, the way LB does. Wanting me to come and save him.

I know it is just the shell of him. That his spirit is gone. We felt that the day of the funeral. But I feel him linked to that shell as we all are in some way.

And I can see him crying for me, scared. So scared. All alone. Wanting to know why I am not there with him.

Why isn't he home with us?
Why didn't I bring him home?
I have to go and get him.
Bring him home where I can protect him.
What was I thinking putting him in the ground so far away from us? With strangers, with bad people walking over the top of him?

What was I thinking?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Heartbreak again

We went out to visit Caden today.

Once again his grave has been stripped bare.

I don't know how long I can continue like this, having him there, being violated over, and over again. I can't handle it. Why do people desecrate graves? Why do people steal from dead babies? What on earth would posess you to do that? The toys were weathered. They were verging on ratty due to all the bad weather. Nothing you would want to steal for yourself. Why do it? Why break my heart again?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Songs for the brother he will never know...

Little Bear and I sing softly...

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Just like Caden in the sky
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are.

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