Wednesday, August 27, 2008

feels like forever, feels like yesterday

At this time, 6 months ago, I was in labour with Caden.
I was sitting in that hospital bed, talking to Kim, wishing and pretending that what was happening, wasn't happening.

In less than three hours it will mark 6 months since I gave birth to my tiny, dead, son.

I feel like I should be making a big deal of this day. That it is some "milestone".
Maybe if he had been born alive.
But without him, well it's just another day.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

the scent of grief

I have a candle that an online friend sent me after Caden died.
It sits on our Caden Cabinet in our family room.

It had such a strong scent in the room for months. Every day I would get a strong smell of it and smile and think of Caden. Recently though, I haven't smelt it at all, until out of the blue three times in the past week. Incidentally, I have had a few rough "caden moments" in the past week as well, where I broke down and cried for the first time in quite a while.

The candle, and its scent, is a lot like my grief.

It comes and goes in short waves, it was stronger in the first few months, and now it is always there, I just can't always smell it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Why I Hate the Term "Stillborn"

Some things really bother me. One of them is the use of the term "stillborn".
I HATE when people say "Oh the woman who had a stillborn"
For me it is completely different to saying "Oh the woman whose baby was stillborn"

Calling them "stillborns" PISSES ME OFF.
They are not a different breed.
They are not a different species.
They are BABIES.
Yes, babies who were not born alive but I hate the way people refer to them as if they are so fundamentally different.

And yes, I also hate when people refer to "the gays", "the aborigines" etc.

Not just "stillborns"

To me it puts them in another category, a lesser category than all the other babies.
I was just reading an online forum about stillbirth and miscarriage where a woman said "I have just stumbled across a post by a woman who had a stillborn at 38 weeks" - and I wanted to strangle that woman. She did not have a stillborn. She had a baby. She did experience a stillbirth, but she didnt have a stillborn. Don't ask me why it's different, but to me it is, and to me that is so freaking offensive.

I'm aware I make no sense.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

'seeing' caden

R has been asking about heaven again. I know he thinks about Caden but sometimes I would love to know what really goes on in his head, how he is working through it. He generally just comes out with comments about heaven randomly out of nowhere.

One thing that made me lol the other day - we were driving past a cemetary (not caden's) and R asked whether God had the biggest 'heaven stick'. I was so confused.
"Heaven stick?"
"Yeah, heaven stick."
I must speak 6-yr-old because I figured it out pretty fast - he was talking about the gravestones at the cemetary!
Then I had to explain why God wasn't buried in a cemetary...why do kids ask the hard questions?

I went to see Caden last week. It was the first time I've been out there in awhile. The last time I went was with Kim and we noticed that the grass was overgrown around his marker, I'm guessing because the caretakers didn't want to move his toys to mow. I was happy about that, but then I kept meaning to go out with a pair of scissors and tidy it up.

When I went out last week it was all clipped and there was a new car there for Caden...looks like my SIL made her way out there :)

Had a long chat with him for probably the first time in over 4 months...I'm not the type that sits and 'talks' to him the way I know some people do. I guess I feel a bit foolish.

While I was out visiting Caden there they were digging another baby sized grave...why does it never end?

Friday, August 1, 2008


I know it has been a long time.
I just don't know what to write anymore.
Life seems to have just taken over.

Watching ER for the first time in ages.
What are the chances of a Trisomy 18 storyline?
Well, look at that.
6yr old with T18.
"Historic case".

What would have happened if Caden lived?

Would it have been better?

Or worse?

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