tired

I want to sit down and write a thought-provoking, heartfelt entry about how I am these days. how much this life sucks. How I feel like I am barely existing rather than living. But I am tired.

I am tired of emotion.
I am tired of writing.
I am tired of coming up with new awful scenarios in my mind.
I am tired of waiting.

I am tired of pushing thoughts of Caden out of my mind because I know that when I let them in it's bad, awful, hurtful, horrific.

I know that pushing these thoughts out of my mind is unhealthy. That I'm not 'letting myself grieve'. I dont want to grieve. Grieving fucking sucks. I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to enjoy life again. I want to feel hope again.

I want to be 'over this' even though I know, fifty years from now I will think of him and cry like it happened yesterday. I can't get over this. I'll never be 'over this'. I just want to sleep. I just want it all to go away and have some peace.