Monday, April 14, 2008

so where do we go from here?

So what does this mean for me now?

Dr P told me of another patient who had a recurring disjunction problem. She had a trisomy 18 baby, a trisomy 13 baby, a trisomy 21 baby and two miscarriages.

I simply cannot face something like that. Because of my own personal belief that all life is sacred, I could never terminate a pregnancy. Not only that, but I personally am friends with 3 adults whose parents would have been offered a medical termination. I personally cannot imagine the world without them. I also am friends with someone whose baby faced a 0.01% chance of survival – she chose to continue the pregnancy and her child is still here (please do note that I am not against abortion. I am pro-choice. But my own personal belief is that it’s not an option for me).

So I have decided that Caden will be the last of my biological children.

In one sense I am lucky, in that biology has never meant a great deal to me. My mother's biological family disowned us when she divorced my father (still the best move she ever made) and she created her own family. Her best friend became like her sister, her best friends mother is the only grandma I have ever known and I love her dearly.

I can but assume most of my astute readers have picked up on the fact that I am also a lesbian, and my partner had no biological link to Caden. She unequivocably is his mother. She said the second she saw him any worries she had over whether he would feel like hers disappeared. The second she saw him, she knew he was hers, no questions asked.

So knowing that I will not give birth to another biological child, while there is some feeling of loss, does not leave us without options. Dr P suggested PGD - which is a technique used during IVF, where they allow an embryo to grow to blastocyst stage and then extract a few cells to test for chromosomal abnormalities. However, it is only 80-90% effective, and they still recommend all the screening tests to be sure. Add to that the fact that it is a new technology, and there are no long term studies on how it might affect the child’s development. Plus hey, we have another option.

The final option, the one that makes the most sense to both of us, is to do IVF with Kim as my egg donor. The act of carrying the baby and giving birth to it will give me a connection just as great as a biological link. Kim will also have that link through biology. We have spoken to both our families, who were not 100% receptive to the idea of us haing children in the first place, and they are all on board with this plan. My mother (herself an IVF veteran) said to me “look at it this way. If you were in a heterosexual relationship, and there was male factor infertility and you had to use a sperm donor, only one of you would have a biological link. Or if there was this problem with you, and you needed an egg donor, only one of you would have a link. This is no different!”

Uhh, I didn’t actually need reassurance, I love the idea of carrying my partner’s child, but thanks!

So now we start with the probably very long process of counseling, medical tests and eventually IVF. So there is at least a light at the end of this very, very long tunnel.


Becky said...

I'm so glad that there is a light at the end of this tunnel for you all.

G said...

This sounds like a lovely option, increasing the closeness between you and Kim. It gives me goosebumps.

I know it will be a long journey, but I will be thinking of you both.


Mom to 2 boys +? said...

How wonderful to be able to carry Kim's baby! That sounds perfect and will give both of you a very strong tie with the baby! Don't ever doubt your mother's instincts - they are always trying to tell you something! Best wishes to you both for successful IVF!

c. said...

I think this sounds like a wonderful option, Brooke. I am happy to know you and Kim are moving forward, pursuing a road that will allow you to bring home that baby you want so much. Which doesn't take anything away from Caden. He is loved and will always be remembered as part of your family. But knowing that there is light at the end of this very sad tunnel...well, that can only bring hope really.

I wish you and Kim only the best.

Holli said...

I think it's going to be an awsome experience for your whole family. I'm glad you will be able to try again.

Holli said...

I had to tell you one more thing Brooke. I have two children, one is my biological child, the other is not. I promise you, biology is overrated. I could not love my step-daughter more if I had given birth to her myself. She lost her mother at a young age, and I have always felt that I was ment to be her second mom. She is as much mine as her bother I gave birth to. I think the whole process will bring your family closer together. I wish you all the luck in the world.


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