Friday, April 18, 2008

scattered

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I feel so scattered at the moment. Randomly during the day I come up with something I feel is important and should of course be chronicled in this here blog...and then I sit down at the computer and promptly forget it.

My mind is heavy with three things right now.

Dead babies and all things deadbaby related.
The Next Baby – also known as the IVF nightmare
The massive, expensive, major, impending renovations/extension to our house

*sigh*

Because nothing in my life could be simple.

I have thousands of things I want to do. And yet, on my days off, I sit here at the computer and read blogs all freaking day. And achieve nothing.

I feel so overwhelmed by the above 3 Big Things. I am determined that Caden’s death will not be in vain. I have pretty much made it my life’s mission to make sure that something good comes from his passing. To start with, I never would have met some women who truly amaze me. But I also need a cause. There is nothing that could have been done to save my beloved. But there are illnesses and diseases that can be treated in utero. No baby should die from a preventable cause. I have a few things in the works that, if I can ever get them out of my head and into reality, will be great. But unfortunately I am one of those people with a million dollar idea who never turn it into anything concrete. Must work on that.

I am also clearly obsessed with the world of stillbirth and neonatal death. I had truly no idea that this tragedy was so freaking common. It breaks my heart that at least once a week, I meet a new friend who has lost their beloved baby. As I said to Abby today, the universe owes us a freaking cookie. A box of cookies even.

Every other waking second is filled with thoughts on IVF. Like making the decision to go that far wasn’t enough. Now we are looking down the barrel of a 6 month wait. 6 months doesn’t seem like a long time, but when you should have been holding your 2 month old son, and instead your arms are empty, it’s a fucking eternity. Being the anal retentive planner I am, I have started making spreadsheets of pros and cons of each clinic, each route, even creating a points system to see which one comes out on top. *sigh* Not that I overthink things at all.

And when I’m not thinking about babies, I’m thinking of the other major event in our lives. The renovations. The planned extension to the house that was first proposed over a year ago. *sigh* I really want it done. And yesterday. Unfortunately these things take a lot of time, and a buttload of cash. Cash we don’t necessarily have. Plus I have to do 100% of the work and organizing as I am project managing. Why cant I just come home one day and go “hey! We have a new kitchen/bathroom/4th bedroom/dining room extension! Yay for us!?!”

I guess my brain is just full up and it’s tired.

This wasn’t actually the entry I planned to write. Dammit. Oh well. I’ll try again tomorrow.

5 comments:

k@lakly said...

Hi, Thanks for stopping by and commenting at my place. Your story/Caden's story is just heartbreaking. You are right, your doc was f*d to not catch the diagnosis earlier. She deserves a big ole nasty gram and a complaint to the AMA/Med Board. How they missed it for so long is just mind numbing.
I hope things ease with time, I know they did for me, but it does take time and tears. Just remember as long as your are here, you are not alone.

Becky said...

Caden's life will never be in vain, ever. You will do something to make him proud. I just know it.

And to me, 6 months is a ridiculously long time. I don't blame you for feeling anxious about it.

Jack's Mommy said...

(((HUGS))) I believe you are doing the most important job there is - living and loving after your heart has been broken into a million pieces. I wish you didn't feel so overwhelmed right now with everything else. But I think you and I are a lot a like - we move forward better if we have tasks to keep us busy. (((HUGS))) Keeping you, Kim, Rory, and Caden always in my heart!
-Karry

Nique said...

Hi

I am from the Teddyloveclub yahoo group. I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss or your precious baby Kaden, his life will never be in vain, you will find ways to honour him throughout your life.

Take care and big hugs

mrsmuelly said...

Yes, the universe owes a lot of us a whole bunch of cookies - with a truckload of chocolate. Don't feel alone for having million dollar ideas and totally forgetting what you were going to write about...I do that every day! Grief is exhausting, so you're allowed. I'm so very sorry that you are in this "club" too.

 

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