Sunday, April 20, 2008

issues

please excuse the language, it's how I feel right now - if you're offended by the 'f' word, skip this entry. Seriously.

So I'm having such body issues right now. I hate myself.

It doesnt matter how many times Kim says she loves me and all of me, it doesn't make me feel any better.

I never felt so beautiful as I did when I was pregnant. I felt good about me. I joked about being the size of a rhinoceros but the truth is I admired myself and my stomach every time I was near a mirror.

I knew that once I had the baby I would be fat again, but who would care? When I had a beautiful baby to show for it.

Thats what fucking sucks about being a deadbabymama. When people look at me they don't know that i had a baby. They just see me.

I feel fatter now than I did a month ago. My stomach is flabby and squishy and my thighs are fucking massive. I can't wear my old clothes and be damned if I'm wearing maternity clothes.

I'm angry, and frustrated, and just...angry.

Fuck.

I feel fucking disgusting.

3 comments:

Becky said...

I'll never be offended by your language, Brooke.

But I wanted to give you a hug. I may not have anything profound to say, but I am here, and I will always be here.

c. said...

It's not like we have enough to feel shitty about already. I totally get this, Brooke. At least if we had had the opportunity to take our babies home we'd have an excuse, eh? Now, we've got nothing at all except lots of time to feel shitty about our bodies, about our this fate, about everything really.

k@lakly said...

Fuck is one of my very favorite words in all of it's various manifestations, fucker, fucked up, mother F'er, fucka doodledoo, it just feels good to scream it sometimes, so you go right on ahead and use it all you want. It sucks hard to have all of the body and none of the baby to show for it, I used the scotch and xan@x diet after I lost Caleb...not the healthiest option but I did lose most of the weight...but I still felt robbed and ugly and pissed.
I'm so sorry. It's not fair, not one bit.

 

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