Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The world owes me a cookie today

This morning I got some happy IVF news.
I was so excited, truly happy for the first time in months.
Late this afternoon I get another call. Oops we got it wrong.
You can't have that dream.
I went from our best case scenario to our absolute worst case scenario.
I feel like my world has come crashing down again.

Ive spent hours in tears. I now know that I will cry for the next 7-8 months.
Until I might finally be able to try to have another baby.
I feel like I should give up. Like I should stop hoping, stop dreaming, stop wanting more.
I feel like I am just inviting more heartache.
I am just in so much pain. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

Everytime I get a glimpse of good, something snatches it away again.
When does this ever stop?
Why can't anything good happen to me?
I feel like I'll never be happy again.

Wasnt my baby dying bad enough?

When is enough, enough?


c. said...

I guess what I've learned from this twisted experience is that life is cruel and we just have to learn to muddle through it all - sometimes happy, sometimes downtrodden, but always grateful for the happiness we have been able to carve out of this life. (What a crock that is lately!)

Losing Caden is an awful, tragic thing, Brooke. And I am so very sorry you have to know this pain and hurt and hopelessness. I don't know exactly what news you received re: IVF, I am only sorry life has kicked you in the teeth again. So very, very sorry because you don't deserve it.

Please email me anytime should you want to talk, kay. XO.

scarredbellybutton said...

I'm sorry.

G said...

I went through a lot of this in the months right after William died. It effin sucks, I am not going to sugar coat it. But now, I feel OK and while I hate the phrase "things happen for a reason," I look back and think of all the setbacks I had and how I feel emotionally better to even think about being pregnant again than I would have had we not had setbacks. Or maybe I am convincing myself of that...

Thinking of you Brooke. xo

Aunt Becky said...


I'm sorry, Brooke. I'd give you a million cookies if I could.

Jack's Mommy said...

My heart breaks with yours sweetie. Sending you and Kim and Rory and - of course - little Caden - all my love. I told my Mom again today - I would not wish this pain on anyone in the world. I wish I could take some away for you. (((HUGS)))


Courtney said...

Brook~ I am so sorry that this is happening to you and Kim. Life does not seem fair and I totally understand when you say wasn't taking my baby enough. My heart aches for you and Kim and the rest of your family. You know we are all here for you. I am thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. I know it dosen't feel God is answering prayers but he does, sometimes he just takes his time doing it.

Annie said...

oh mama, I am so sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this, suffering upon suffering :(

Tash said...

Wait, wah, "Oops we got it wrong?"

I thought this crap was only supposed to happen to me! Tell them to forward those results RIGHT HERE. I'll tell 'em EXACTLY what they can do with them.

I'm so sorry, so so sorry. I know the heartache and the pain, even though I haven't really had the good glimpses -- it's just all bad news.

The world owes you a box of cookies. Please enjoy some tonight with a nice glass of wine.

Mrs.X said...

I can only imagine how heartbroken you are - haven't you experienced all of the awfulness that the universe has in store for you? Then you receive news like that and its like the universe says, nope, you've got more coming. You will get through this. It may not be today, or tomorrow or even next week. But you will and you will find the strength to wait if you have to or find a new path.


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