Despite the overwhelming negativity of the past two entries, I'm doing ok.
I hit a rough patch at work yesterday (which I'm sure I will write about another day).
Despite running on three hours sleep and a ton of coffee (and not much else) I feel okay today.
I did have a moment this morning when I was dropping off Rory at his Vacation Care while I'm at work, there was a cheeky little boy saying goodbye to his big brother and for the first time I had a glimpse of what we will miss with Caden. I could see him for the first time as a child rather than the baby I always see him as. It's making me tear up a little to write, but I was surprised at how the thought didn't upset me like I thought it would.
I'm keeping myself really busy, editing a newspaper, getting ready for the long weekend where I get to meet my SIL's new partner (v. exciting) and going to work. All I want to do though is go home and lay on the couch with a box of chocolates.
So I guess I've settled into a sort of melancholy rather than the deep grief I was feeling a few days ago. Hmm.
Don't know which I prefer to tell you the truth.
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The Life of Caden
- July 8th 2007 - we found out we were expecting
- July 21st 2007 - our first ultrasound - it's a Speck!
- Sept 8th 2007 - our second ultrasound - look at you jump!
- Oct 17th 2007 - ultrasound - you were so small
- Oct 30th 2007 - another ultrasound - still so small. and you have a cyst on your brain. they keep saying it's nothing to worry about
- Dec 1st 2007 - we started buying the big things - it was so exciting
- Dec 25th 2007 - your first Christmas. you were spoiled
- Jan 2008 - we finally named you - our little Caden James
- Feb 15th 2008 - spent the night at the hospital. they said nothing is wrong
- Feb 23rd 2008 - planned baby shower - but we cancelled it
- Feb 26th 2008 - you died
- Feb 27th 2008 - you were born. 37 weeks - 3lb 7oz - 37cm long
- March 5th 2008 - we buried you
- March 30th 2008 - we had your memorial party
- Forever - we will love you
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7 comments:
I'm not sure that I would know which one was better, either.
I'm thinking of you and your family, Brooke.
Stupid grief rollercoaster. Add some chocolate to the 3 hrs and coffee.
I hate those moments where I catch a glimpse of what we lost. A son. A brother. A lifetime of opportunites and experiences. It sucks.
How is Rory doing with everything? It's so hard on them too...
Brooke - thinking of you, Kim & Caden. I love your saying "i could have ten more babies but i would always be one short..." Says soooo much.
Stay gentle my friend.
Brooke, Kim and Rory,
I am sorry that this is so painful. The waves rush in and slowly recede. It's all very difficult.
I am thinking of all of you and hoping you find some peace down the road.
Like lots of us mentioned I hate those moments of seeing what we so badly wanted as well! It's sucks to have to have all of you to relate to but I am so glad we found eachother!
Allison...BBC
I know this post is months old but I just stumbled across your blog. I know that I am a perfect stranger but if I could of known you on this day I would have hugged you and just sat and listened to you grieve. I am so sorry for your loss.
-Rachael in Augusta, GA
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