Monday, April 21, 2008

hate this. want it to go away.

I feel so sad today.
So fucking sad.

Last night I cried again. And when I say cried, I dont mean quiet tears, I have them every day. I mean gut wrenching, clutching my chest, screaming tears.
It always hits me at about 1:30am-2am. And because Kim has to be up at 5:30am to go to work, I was trying so hard to be quiet. I even went out to the lounge room to avoid waking her up. I gave myself one hell of a headache holding in my really loud sobs. All I wanted to do was wail.

I thought I had it out of my system, so I went back to bed. Kept sobbing quietly. Eventually Kim woke up and grabbed me into a hug as she does. And it broke out of me. I wailed so hard and so loud, I nearly threw up. I sobbed and wailed for a little bit and then was so close to being physically ill that I forced myself to calm down. It felt fucking good to make so much noise though.

And today I'm off work, eating pizza for lunch, lying on the couch with a killer headache watching tv and drinking bourbon. And feeling utterly sorry for myself.

I fucking hate this.

I FUCKING HATE THIS.

I thought I was doing well seeing babies around and stuff, but I have found my biggst trigger. Seeing families like ours. Two mums and a baby just does.me.in.

I FUCKING HATE THIS.


6 comments:

Becky said...

Oh Brooke, I can only imagine your pain. I wish I could make it all better for you.

Amy said...

Brooke,
If you need someone to yell at or talk to, I am here...I am a decent listener! If you send me an email, I will send you my phone information, my email is tractorpoor at aol dot com. Please reach out, I'm here! Thinking of you all! Much love, Amy

G said...

Oh Brooke, I am so sorry. Those long, wailing sessions make havoc for the sinuses don't they?

I am thinking of you today. Wishing I could stomach the bourbon with you. (

xo
g

c. said...

I remember those nights. Awful. Just fucking awful. Sometimes it's good to just release it. It doesn't take away what has happened, but it seems to ease the internal shit going on. I hadn't cried like this for a while, until last week and the m/c. You'll find you'll have less and less of those nights, Brooke. I know you are in the thick of it all right now, but it really does become less intense. Some would say that's better, but I just feel it takes me farther and farther away from my son.

Hope the bourbon eased the headache, although I know it's been known a cause a few, too. Thinking of you.

Ange said...

oh brooke, i am sooo sorry. I would love to talk to you and you expressed you wanted to chat re parvo. please let me know your email i guess. not sure how to find your address on your site. angie x

scarredbellybutton said...

I'm just so sorry.

 

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