I feel a new guilt.
I'm back at work.
And I don't think about Caden all day. I have huge photos of him plastered all over the walls of my desk area and I stare at him all day. But I don't really think about him.
I havent cried in days.
I read the heart wrenching blog entries of the other women living without their babies and I'm jealous.
I wish I felt their pain. I wish I could do nothing but cry all day.
Then I would feel like I was doing him justice. As it is, I feel like I'm failing him more every day that passes. That I'm not enough of a mother to love him so much that I cant live without him.
I wish so much that I didnt have to live without him. I wish he were HERE where he belongs...
and now I'm crying. It seems that all I needed to do was write about him
Baby boy I miss you. I wish you were here with your mamas where you belong. I wish I had more than a blanket and your name on my foot. I wish I had you...
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The Life of Caden
- July 8th 2007 - we found out we were expecting
- July 21st 2007 - our first ultrasound - it's a Speck!
- Sept 8th 2007 - our second ultrasound - look at you jump!
- Oct 17th 2007 - ultrasound - you were so small
- Oct 30th 2007 - another ultrasound - still so small. and you have a cyst on your brain. they keep saying it's nothing to worry about
- Dec 1st 2007 - we started buying the big things - it was so exciting
- Dec 25th 2007 - your first Christmas. you were spoiled
- Jan 2008 - we finally named you - our little Caden James
- Feb 15th 2008 - spent the night at the hospital. they said nothing is wrong
- Feb 23rd 2008 - planned baby shower - but we cancelled it
- Feb 26th 2008 - you died
- Feb 27th 2008 - you were born. 37 weeks - 3lb 7oz - 37cm long
- March 5th 2008 - we buried you
- March 30th 2008 - we had your memorial party
- Forever - we will love you
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8 comments:
*hugs*
I'm so sorry, Brooke.
I found your blog through BabyCenter. Your writing is so moving. I can tell from them that you are so in love with your son. He is beautiful!
I wish you had him, too.
Don't be jealous. All I can do is feel guilty about the fact that I am not moving on, that my whole focus all day, everyday is this sorrow and grief. I'm almost immobilized from it. How fair is that to him and his memory, not to mention my husband and living children? You'll always feel enormously guilty, Brooke, it doesn't matter what you do. It's what we do as moms, I guess.
Thinking of you. I'm so sorry for your pain...
Brooke,
You'll feel it, like you said, all you had to do was write it.
It's like a rollercoaster, up one minute down the next only the screaming you do is either extreme guilt for thinking that you are not thinking or extreme sadness because all you can do is think about him. Occasionally you get the ups of "wow, where did that laughter come from?" and that's fine too.
Don't feel guilty, it's a part of the grief, it too sucks!
Thinking of you all today and everyday! XO Amy
I came across your post on MDC, I lurk there sometimes. Our 2nd daughter was stillborn at 41w in January of 2007.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know. And I wish I didn't. And I wish you didn't. I wish none of us in this awful, horrible club known as loss mamas knew.
And yeah. Feeling happy is hard. Somedays I just want to stay in bed still, b/c it feels like the more I go on and live, the less I have of her. That being sad and in that deep state of grief is keeping her alive and real.
It sucks. And that is an understatement.
Your little boy was beautiful.
Please feel free to visit my blog, I post often about loss, and there are other loss mamas on there too who are at various stages in their loss and grief process.
http://mandella0021.livejournal.com
And email if you ever want to talk. vent. or just bitch and know someone really gets it.
(((hugs)))
JEN
Hey Brooke, hugs babe. I know just where your coming from. There are days that I have actually had decent days and I feel horrible about it. I felt worse a month ago about it so it does get better in time. And then you'll have days when your a complete wreck even. Mine come moments at a time now. I didn't cry yesterday but I cried when I spoke to a friend the night before & I'm crying as I write this to you. I have had many thoughts of not understanding how I'm feeling or shouldn't I be feeling this way. I have seen other moms that lost their babies months before me and they *seem* to be doing worse.
I know me saying don't feel guilty for not crying is not going to necessarily change the way you feel I just wanted you to know its normal. Also I know that I hold a great deal of my emotion in during the day because I'm *living* life and being with my kids/spouse and its not until I sit by myself at my blog or on MDC and talking to the woman on the loss board that I actually let my tears flow.
I'm happy that you took up crochet, knitting has been the best therapy for me. I also have an LJ blog here http://gratefulbambina.livejournal.com/ I'm starting to write more in that about my everyday life. My email is gratefulbambina@gmail.com. If you ever want to talk on the phone I'm up for that too :)
Hugs, Love, & Peace
C.
((hugs)) emotions ride up and down like a roller-coaster. I think sometimes our mind/body subconsciously give us a break. Pls do not feel guilty.
Funny you wrote this, because I'm feeling the same way. I feel guilty because I'm not sad enough! I know it's crazy, but that is how I feel. Either we're both nuts, or it's normal.
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