Thursday, February 26, 2009

Death day

Well it has been quite awhile.
Not for any particularly good has just taken over as it is known to do. We bought a new house and have been frantically trying to renovate it (partly at least) before tenants move into our current house.

Coming up to Caden's birthday tomorrow has been...interesting. I have almost purposely pushed it out of my head despite being reminded by people around me.

I have no idea what we will do to mark the day - probably a cake and some balloons, I know K wants to have dinner at the cemetary, R wants to take pancakes to school to celebrate Caden's birthday (don't ask, I don't understand his logic either!)...but what do I want?

I always assumed that his first birthday would be a big deal. That I would want all our family around to celebrate his little short life.

But I find that I just want to be alone and the though of anyone sharing it with us is just not what I want AT ALL.

Today is my mum's birthday and also the day that we were told Caden had died, and I was induced. Not too sure how I feel about it, mum wanted me to take the day off work, but for what? To sit around at home alone remembering what I was doing every second of the day this time last year? No thanks.

Hmm. I should go and do some work though, considering I am here and all...


k@lakly said...

Thinking of you. Whatever you choose to do, it will be the right thing. Sometimes just letting things be is enough.

Luisa said...

we'll be thinking of you all tomorrow. no doubt whatever you choose to do, and how you make it through the day you will do it with all the grace and love you have gotten through these last 365 days.

I am continually in awe that you make it out of bed at all.

and apologies if I was one of those people who reminded you when you didnt want to be.


loribeth said...

Everyone deals with these "anniversary" dates in their own way. I thought I could go to work on the day, one year later, that I found out my daughter was stillborn. I opened my eyes in the morning & they immediately filled with tears & I thought, "Nope! No can do!" I called in "sick." The nice thing was my immediate co-workers realized I really wasn't "sick," & left me a "thinking of you" card & a plant on my desk, which meant the world to me.

Sending you hugs & hopes that you will find a way to mark this day that's right for you.

G$ said...

You are in my thoughts. Do whatever feels right when you wake up.

Amy said...

Thinking of you all today, and always. ((Hugs)

Anonymous said...

You are in my thoughts. My little Nathan is turning 1 today.

Since we were on the same birth board I have followed your blog and I was so glad to see you post something.

Whatever you decide, please know that people are thinking of you.

Tash said...

I put a lot of pressure on myself to find some suitable, meaningful tribute, but really -- what can one do? I just sort of muddle through, and do what I can, and do my best and figure it's fine as it is.

Go easy on yourself. Know that we're all remembering with you.

Cara said...

the first year is such a wordly mandated milestone. Don't get me wrong - it is a big deal, but Caden's memory is just as strong tomorrow as it has been any other day this past year and will be any day this coming year.

Whatever you decided will mark the day in exactly the way you need.


Meg said...

I'm thinking of you today and I hope you found some peace in however you decided to mark the day. HUG


Meg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
S said...

The first year is always so painful and heartbreaking.

Happy birthday little Caden. I hope you're in heaven with all our angel babies and having a good time.

(Its a good, peaceful thought I have about our little ones.)

Thinking of you and your family on this day.


motheringmymiraclemultiples said...

Thinking of you and Caden today.
Sending hugs.


blogger templates | Make Money Online