Thursday, July 3, 2008

Turmoil and Ambivalence

Okay, well I didn't realise I had been gone for so long, but Holli has called me out so here I am!

Nothing dramatic has occured, but my life has become infinitely more complicated with dramas and whatnot, and I have simply not felt that I had anything to say here.

My life is in turmoil. My job is in turmoil. My family is in turmoil. My heart is in turmoil.

I feel that I am not enough of a mother because I no longer cry every day
I feel like I am not a good enough bereaved mother because I do not think of Caden all the time, every day.
I feel like I am not doing this right. Because I feel okay.

I have found peace with Caden's passing.
I have found peace with having to wait to ttc.
I have found peace with a lot of things.

There are, however, the emails about births of friends' babies that pinch. They used to stab me right through the heart, and now that has dulled to a quick pain, followed by ambivalence. I am not thrilled for them, but neither am I angry at them.

It was my birthday yesterday. I threw a tantrum about having to go out. I am in a "boo hoo I hate my body, I hate all my clothes they make me look FAT" stage again. If I could have gone out in sweatpants I would have. I cried when i got in the car because I just did. not. want. to. go. To my own birthday dinner. I fear I am becoming somewhat antisocial.

So here I sit, fairly ambivalent about most things in life, with no real emotions one way or another (aside from the infantile tantrums). I promise I will be back very soon, and hopefully with something slightly more insightful to say.


Monica L. said...

Sounds familiar. You are not alone. Keep up the great, honest posts. Monica L., 2X KuKd (knocked up knocked down)

Catherine said...

It is okay to feel peace with thingsm to feel upset, antisocial and sometimes nothing. I do not have any friends who have lost babies. But, I have 2 dears friends that lost their grown child. Each of them goes through stages, one friends is the calmest most peaceful person, remember the good of her son, and doing volunteer work that he would love, but has panic attacks every Sunday( The day the police came her door almost 5 years ago). My other friend is a graduate student and actually does research about the experience, some days she is so together and helping lost young people (much like her son) and then every once awhile she come undone. What I am saying is what you are experiencing is all part of the process. Caden has a wonderful mother!

AlexandrasMom said...

Brooke - just thinking about you and Caden and glad you are getting through your days.

Lissa Lane said...

Happy Late Birthday Sweetheart.

just so you know I also feel guilty and upset when I DON'T cry about Calypso. it's normal I promise you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

Shaz said...

I followed Monica here, I'm a fellow KuKd sista!
Happy Birthday, I hope the coming year will bring happier times.

Tosha said...

I really didn't have anything insightful to say. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you have better days :)

Just Me. said...

I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I have felt that way too, many times. Sometimes, I too want to stay at home and fester.

Happy Birthday.



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