I so wish that I could go back in time.
Strangely, not back to when I was pregnant, as so many, I'm sure would. But there is no way to change the outcome, our dear baby was never meant for this world.
No, what I want to do is go back to the days and weeks following his death. I know I was in a sort of shock, but I was okay to be there. Sleeping together in the family room. Never really leaving that mattress on the floor for a full two weeks. Just lying, in each others arms, watching tv and tuning the rest of the world out.
If I wanted to cry, I cried.
If I wanted to scream, I screamed.
If something was funny, I laughed.
I didn't have to worry about being judged, because no-one was there (no-one but my SIL who silently left the room if I started to sob, leaving me in peace to grieve as loudly as I wanted).
I didn't need to hide my broken heart so that people would stop asking if I was ok.
It was just us, no responsibilities, no contact with the outside world.
It is possibly the freest I have ever felt in my life. I was given permission - nay I was expected to grieve. I was expected to fall apart and be a big mess.
Now - not so much.
I think people expect me to be over it.
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The Life of Caden
- July 8th 2007 - we found out we were expecting
- July 21st 2007 - our first ultrasound - it's a Speck!
- Sept 8th 2007 - our second ultrasound - look at you jump!
- Oct 17th 2007 - ultrasound - you were so small
- Oct 30th 2007 - another ultrasound - still so small. and you have a cyst on your brain. they keep saying it's nothing to worry about
- Dec 1st 2007 - we started buying the big things - it was so exciting
- Dec 25th 2007 - your first Christmas. you were spoiled
- Jan 2008 - we finally named you - our little Caden James
- Feb 15th 2008 - spent the night at the hospital. they said nothing is wrong
- Feb 23rd 2008 - planned baby shower - but we cancelled it
- Feb 26th 2008 - you died
- Feb 27th 2008 - you were born. 37 weeks - 3lb 7oz - 37cm long
- March 5th 2008 - we buried you
- March 30th 2008 - we had your memorial party
- Forever - we will love you
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22 comments:
It's incredibly hard to grieve and live up to the expectations of those who think you should move on.
People who judge should try walking in your shoes for a day.
I think it's because they just don't know how hard it can be.
There really isn't any time frame as to how long one should grieve.
I can't imagine the pain that you are going through. It's your own pain and it's very real. (((hugs)))
Visiting from IComLeavWe....
It is so hard for others to understand our pain because often they have not experienced it. I have never lost a child, but I greive often that I have not yet been blessed with one after years of trying.
Take your time, dear. It has been only a short period of time. And ask for help. Do not be afraid to ask for help.
You are so very strong, even if you don't feel like it.
Brooke, just needed to pop on to see Caden's little face and let you know you and Caden are thought of!
People have such crappy and unrealistic expectations for grieving. I don't have any good advice or anything other than to tell 'em to shove it. If only in your head.
From the Comment-o-thon:
I'm sorry for your loss. Grief definitely has it's own timeframe and does not conform to the fast pace of our lives. Hopefully, you have others around you who understand.
I can relate to those feeling of acting how people expect you to act. You will never ever get over the loss of your baby, I wish the people around you could understand that.
(From ICLW)
wow I never thought that a time like that could be freeing, but I guess I could see that connection. I hope people are not expecting you to be over it, who has the right to expect that. People grieve in different ways and in different times. scream if you want too!
here from ICLW
It's shocking how quickly other people move on from someone else's sorrow -- and expect those involved to do the same. Troubling on many levels...
How do ou ever get over something like this?
There is really nothing I can say, just know I am listening.
Here from ICLW
I strongly believe that grief is ongoing that you never stop grieving.
*HUGS*
Thank you for sharing this. I have a friend who lost her precious girl at almost the same age as your Camden. She's going through the same feelings you expressed, and dealing with those who expect her to "move on" with her life as well. Your post gives me a bit more insight into what's likely going on in her head right now.
I wish you the very best possible from here on out ... there's not much else I can say, is there?
(ICLW)
I can't even begin to know how you're feeling, but there are no easy answers to how long the grieving process should take.
I wish you only the best and am sending you hugs.
*ICLW
Hi, over from ICLW,
I can't imagine what you are going through. It makes my heart ache to even try. My thoughts are with you. I hope that you take as long as you need to grieve.
I never understand people thinking you should be over a loss. I am sorry you don't feel as free to grieve for your son anymore.
ICLW.
I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing the picture of your beautiful son, Caden. My mom lost a son (my brother, Jim) 24 years ago, you never get over it. It's a death of your child with all your hopes, and dreams for the future, Not the Flu! From ILCW and abiding in your loss and love for your child.
There is no time limit for grief. There will always be good days and bad days. I guess what I am trying to say is that its OK to feel however you need to feel.
ICLW
Just take one day at a time. You have the right to feel however you do on any given day, even months and years and decades later. I had many, many m/c and lost a twin at 18 weeks in Dec 2006 and I still have really bad days. And that is okay. You are a mom and you miss your child. What can anyone find wrong with that?, and there is no way for you to "get over it" as I have heard. Some days are better than others but the sad thoughts and what ifs can creep back at any time. I know our situations are a little different and I am not trying to say I know how you feel exactly. Just saying I have experienced loss and unfair expectations too. hugs iclw
Thank you so much for sharing so openly about your beautiful son. I am so sorry for your loss and you deserve to give yourself however long it takes. Be well.
ICLW
Sending you virtual hugs. No one should expect you to be over it. Take the time you need. Only you know how much that is.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope you find the space to grieve in what ever way you need to for as long as you feel the need. Take care.
Just started to read you over here as well darlin..
You know...I think we learn to accept what we cant channge ...rather than accept things..maybe that is the key to acceptance.
Dont ever feel as tho you need to explain your grief.
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