falling apart (literally)

my hair is falling out.
it's incredibly frustrating, and embarrassing actually. I literally leave a trail behind me. ugh. It's not the first time, my hair has done this more than once in my lifetime, I think in times of stress. I'm feeling the stress at the moment. Not stress over Caden though. I feel further away from him than I ever have before. I feel quite "normal". It's strange and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.


randomness:
Somthing I meant to write ages ago : We saw a friend who lives interstate. She wanted to come out for Caden's memorial but wasn't able to. We saw her for the first time recently. She wanted to see Caden's photos, so I pulled them out. I commented on the fact that I wish they had had a little hat for him to wear, because of the fact that his fontanelle (his soft spot) was big (happens in Trisomy 18 babies) and had sunk in a little. It really bothers me sometimes.
Kate's comment?
"Oh but it's okay, it's not bad...it's him"
She's right. I loved her in that moment. There is nothing wrong with it. It's how he looked, so why cover it up? It's part of who he is.

I've started going to my acupuncturist again. I cried when I told her about Caden. I had another session today. It was nice. I just love the feeling I get from it. C. is magic.

quiet times
I have been overly quiet online for weeks now. I often WANT to write posts, but I am working a lot lately and have had a LOT of work stress (G, I totally sympathise with your work issues as I am going through something similar) I used to write entries at work, but I cant do that anymore, and when I get home from work I am just exhausted.

I swear I am falling apart.

Physically I mean.

Between my teeth, and my hair falling out, and my eyes...

What, I didn't tell you about my eyes?
About how I am pretty much slowly going blind?
About how I've now been told that I may be too far gone for any kind of laser surgery?
*sigh*

I need to sit, and think for a few hours. And try to process some of the things I am feeling. I believe I am repressing. Could blow up if left unattended.

Turmoil and Ambivalence

Okay, well I didn't realise I had been gone for so long, but Holli has called me out so here I am!

Nothing dramatic has occured, but my life has become infinitely more complicated with dramas and whatnot, and I have simply not felt that I had anything to say here.

My life is in turmoil. My job is in turmoil. My family is in turmoil. My heart is in turmoil.

I feel that I am not enough of a mother because I no longer cry every day
I feel like I am not a good enough bereaved mother because I do not think of Caden all the time, every day.
I feel like I am not doing this right. Because I feel okay.

I have found peace with Caden's passing.
I have found peace with having to wait to ttc.
I have found peace with a lot of things.

There are, however, the emails about births of friends' babies that pinch. They used to stab me right through the heart, and now that has dulled to a quick pain, followed by ambivalence. I am not thrilled for them, but neither am I angry at them.

It was my birthday yesterday. I threw a tantrum about having to go out. I am in a "boo hoo I hate my body, I hate all my clothes they make me look FAT" stage again. If I could have gone out in sweatpants I would have. I cried when i got in the car because I just did. not. want. to. go. To my own birthday dinner. I fear I am becoming somewhat antisocial.

So here I sit, fairly ambivalent about most things in life, with no real emotions one way or another (aside from the infantile tantrums). I promise I will be back very soon, and hopefully with something slightly more insightful to say.