Wednesday, July 9, 2008

falling apart (literally)

my hair is falling out.
it's incredibly frustrating, and embarrassing actually. I literally leave a trail behind me. ugh. It's not the first time, my hair has done this more than once in my lifetime, I think in times of stress. I'm feeling the stress at the moment. Not stress over Caden though. I feel further away from him than I ever have before. I feel quite "normal". It's strange and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.

Somthing I meant to write ages ago : We saw a friend who lives interstate. She wanted to come out for Caden's memorial but wasn't able to. We saw her for the first time recently. She wanted to see Caden's photos, so I pulled them out. I commented on the fact that I wish they had had a little hat for him to wear, because of the fact that his fontanelle (his soft spot) was big (happens in Trisomy 18 babies) and had sunk in a little. It really bothers me sometimes.
Kate's comment?
"Oh but it's okay, it's not's him"
She's right. I loved her in that moment. There is nothing wrong with it. It's how he looked, so why cover it up? It's part of who he is.

I've started going to my acupuncturist again. I cried when I told her about Caden. I had another session today. It was nice. I just love the feeling I get from it. C. is magic.

quiet times
I have been overly quiet online for weeks now. I often WANT to write posts, but I am working a lot lately and have had a LOT of work stress (G, I totally sympathise with your work issues as I am going through something similar) I used to write entries at work, but I cant do that anymore, and when I get home from work I am just exhausted.

I swear I am falling apart.

Physically I mean.

Between my teeth, and my hair falling out, and my eyes...

What, I didn't tell you about my eyes?
About how I am pretty much slowly going blind?
About how I've now been told that I may be too far gone for any kind of laser surgery?

I need to sit, and think for a few hours. And try to process some of the things I am feeling. I believe I am repressing. Could blow up if left unattended.


Catherine said...

During times of stress my hair has fallen out too. sometimes are body takes over are stress.

Aunt Becky said...

My hair falls out, too.

sharonvw said...

Its definitley stress. Sometimes its our bodies only outlet for pent up stress and emotion. My hair doesn't fall out, but my usually good skin breaks out in eczema from head to foot when I'm under huge stress or emotional trauma.

How precious of your fried to say what she did about Caden. Today is my first day visiting you blog, and she's right, he is who he is and he's beautiful that way.

G said...

I am seriously giving my dog a run for his money on who leaves the most hair on the floors. It's getting a bit worrisome.

Hang in there Brooke. What a sweet, sweet friend you have. And Fuck Work! Seriously.


k@lakly said...

My hair falls out too, I look like a chemo patient. Very strange.
The acupuncture sounds great, except for the needles, I don't think I could do that part:)

Luisa said...

Brooke, maybe the hair thing is because you don't lose any when pregnant. J has been totally clogging up the shower drain these last couple of weeks and has been leaving it all over the pillow like a chemie kid. its probably totally normal - don't panic too much.

robynanne said...

Yes, unfortunately, that is something that happens after giving birth. One of the less annoying things that happens that makes you want to scream at your body that it should maybe notice that you don't actually have a baby anymore. My favorite was the hospital nurse calling at 5 weeks post to ask how nursing was going. Damn that sucked.

I feel for you on the 'feeling OK but maybe you shouldn't' stuff too. I used to laugh and then stop suddenly and feel guilty. People would tell me how strong I was and I'd feel like my baby was owed time where I would break down and not get out of bed. Someone told me once though - my baby can't enjoy herself unless I allow myself to be happy too sometimes. Something about thinking I was holding her spirit in my sadness. It helped free me to be able to let happiness in sometimes. Don't worry - you'll feel sad when you want/need and not when you don't. One thing I noticed was that if I didn't let it through I'd start to have this random anxiety which I eventually (like over a year later) learned was from grief that I needed to address.

Living without Kelley said...

Stress does alot to the body... make sure you are taking a m. vitiam.( sorry I suck as spelling) and just take care of your self eat right....your pictures of your baby are just so cute... Living this life without our baby sucks fucking ass... but you know what we must go on... and we will see them again....
much huggs


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