Monday, July 14, 2008

Never will be

Hey there - still here, still repressing.

Every night I feel the same sensation of tears pricking at my eyes and every night I swallow that lump that rises in my throat and change the subject in my own head. Every night it flashes into my mind. The minute when the doctor said those disgusting words. "I'm sorry (are you, are you really? or is it just your job to say that), your baby's heart does appear to have stopped" (no it hasn't. Check again. CHECK AGAIN).
The panic. God, the panic. My heart stops each time and I have to think of something else quick smart. I am just so fucking sick of crying. Is there no end to the tears we can shed. There should be. If I stop drinking water all together, will that help?

Everything I think of at the moment has an age attached to it. I think of anything we might do, any events coming up. Caden would have been 5 months old. Caden should have been 8 months old...

Should have been...
Would have been...
Isn't...
Can't be...
Never will be...

8 comments:

c. said...

I do the same thing. I think it hard not to. I wonder if we'll always do this.

scarredbellybutton said...

I'm sorry. Caden SHOULD be here, growing up in his family.

CLC said...

I always do that too. Every day is a mile stone, not just the anniversaries. It's so hard Brook. It has gotten a tiny bit easier for me, but I feel like it's only temporary. I often wonder too about the tears. I didn't think it was humanly possible to cry this much.

G said...

I asked the doctor to check again right before they induced labor. The doctor and my husband looked at me with pity. Then I said nevermind.

I never knew I could cry this much either. Not cold, bitter G.

Natalie said...

I do the same thing at night... can't make my brain stop thinking about that moment. Most horrifying moment of my life.

Pamela Jeanne said...

The reservoir of tears near seems to decrease. So sorry for your loss...

Kathy said...

I too feel your pain and have those moments, all too often, where I wish I could wake up and find out that all of this was just a bad dream, that my baby wasn't sick and that she didn't die.

Now when I look back on my pregnancy I have two types of memories, the somewhat innocent ones before we knew our daughter's heart was literally broken (and we were enjoying our hopes and dreams of what was to come for our family) and those after her diagnosis and prognosis (when we realized that those hopes and dreams would likely never be)

I am so sorry about your Caden. (((HUGS)))

(ICLW)

Catherine said...

You can feel whatever you want, when ever you want. Screw others expectations.

 

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