Monday, June 23, 2008

Adaptation

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality

Is this really me?
Is this really my life now?
Did my child really die?
At times I find myself going about my daily business and I stop....as the thought hits me that "holy shit. My baby died."
Having been one of those overly dramatic girls who in the past caused many a scene in a high school drama queen fashion, it feels at times as though this is some story I have concocted. As though it couldn't possibly have happened to me because things like this DO. NOT. REALLY. HAPPEN. And I always considered that if anyone in my close family died, I would just not be able to cope. I would just fall apart and cry all day every day and just be entirely unable to function.

But look at me.

My baby is dead. The child I planned, desperately wanted, wished and prayed for, carried for nine loving months, dreamed of, and loved...well he died. Inside me. And I gave birth to him. Dead (that word still brings automatic tears). And yet my life goes on.

I have to visit my child at his grave.

Can you imagine that?

Can you imagine going along and taking toys, rearranging windmills and flowers at your child's grave?

How horrific. Who could ever imagine such a thing?

And yet...a quote I heard on tv the other day stands out to me. To paraphrase Nigella Lawson...the human ability to normalise the abnormal, the tragic, is astounding.

It has become quite normal to me to visit my son's grave. To take him little token gifts. To water the flowers other parents leave their babies who are also buried there. To read stories of other deadbabymamas. To look lovingly at momento mori photos of the loved little precious babies who were born too early, born still.

Hmm. Isn't is strange how we are able to adapt.

10 comments:

G said...

Somedays I have that same conversation in my head... Did this really happen to me? All the times I was such an attention h00r, this happened and now I don't need to seek attention. I am the one this horrible thing happened to.

Strange.

CLC said...

I think these thoughts all the time. I went to the cemetary yesterday, and I couldn't believe this is my life. I am sorry you have to experience it too.

Lissa Lane said...

It is very amazing how we are able to adapt.

I used to hate cemeteries. I NEVER even IMAGINED I would be taking stuffed animals and birthday odds and ends to the cemetery.

Strange, because now that is one thing that gives me some of the most comfort

Holli said...

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think "My baby is dead, did that really happen?" because I just can't believe it.

c. said...

I was in denial about it for a very long time. I'd still like to be so, in fact. It was easier to cope.

Gia said...

Hey Brooke.....
Thank you for stopping by with Angel Caden to the boys EED party...all the books and the card, Oh and the balloon animals were a HIT!!!!!
lol....ok now i sound crazy, but you knwo what Thank you for playing along...It made the day so much more special to have people like you think about them. Thank you!

Gia said...

Hey,
I think its a great idea...I was surprised people actually got into it and didnt call me crazy.....I duno where i came up with it but it worked....

Ange said...

It is so weird how it does just become the norm. I can have little internal conversations about this all the time too. Still stops me in my tracks sometimes, like being winded. Unbelievable that this is my story...

Catherine said...

It has to be all so surreal. I am with you in silent support.

Holli said...

Brooke, are you OK? We haven't heard from you in so long, I'm getting worried.

 

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