Time Traveller

I so wish that I could go back in time.

Strangely, not back to when I was pregnant, as so many, I'm sure would. But there is no way to change the outcome, our dear baby was never meant for this world.

No, what I want to do is go back to the days and weeks following his death. I know I was in a sort of shock, but I was okay to be there. Sleeping together in the family room. Never really leaving that mattress on the floor for a full two weeks. Just lying, in each others arms, watching tv and tuning the rest of the world out.

If I wanted to cry, I cried.
If I wanted to scream, I screamed.
If something was funny, I laughed.

I didn't have to worry about being judged, because no-one was there (no-one but my SIL who silently left the room if I started to sob, leaving me in peace to grieve as loudly as I wanted).

I didn't need to hide my broken heart so that people would stop asking if I was ok.

It was just us, no responsibilities, no contact with the outside world.

It is possibly the freest I have ever felt in my life. I was given permission - nay I was expected to grieve. I was expected to fall apart and be a big mess.

Now - not so much.
I think people expect me to be over it.

Angry at the world, Angry at nothing...

I'm so angry. At times I am literally shaking from rage.
It's not directly anger at the deadbaby situation, but I'd have to be incredibly naive to say it's not indirectly related. Just everything is pissing me off at the moment.
In particular, 3 things.
I'm not going to go into it because that just increases the anger and doesn't get my anywhere - just gets me all worked up again!!!
*sigh* it's quite ridiculous really.

I had a sort of fight with Kim the other day.
Slept on the couch.
We're over it now.

But the other anger issues - still festering away. I don't know how to deal with it.
I think I need therapy.

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burnt" - Buddhist quote

*********************

Just so y'all don't get all worried about me...I'm not all doom and gloom.
Something cute from the other day.
Out of nowhere - R comes out with "Do you think God is letting Caden have rides on Danny?"
"Yes, I think so."
(Danny is our family dog who died of old age last year)
He can be so sweet when he isnt throwing a tantrum over eating his peas...


Wait a minute.

Isn't it funny how you lose perspective?
I decide to write something cute and not as depressing as I thought I was coming across (people have expressed concern) - and what do I come up with? My son asking whether his dead baby brother is getting to ride our dear old dog.

Fuck me.

You never really are the same after your child dies are you??

Never will be

Hey there - still here, still repressing.

Every night I feel the same sensation of tears pricking at my eyes and every night I swallow that lump that rises in my throat and change the subject in my own head. Every night it flashes into my mind. The minute when the doctor said those disgusting words. "I'm sorry (are you, are you really? or is it just your job to say that), your baby's heart does appear to have stopped" (no it hasn't. Check again. CHECK AGAIN).
The panic. God, the panic. My heart stops each time and I have to think of something else quick smart. I am just so fucking sick of crying. Is there no end to the tears we can shed. There should be. If I stop drinking water all together, will that help?

Everything I think of at the moment has an age attached to it. I think of anything we might do, any events coming up. Caden would have been 5 months old. Caden should have been 8 months old...

Should have been...
Would have been...
Isn't...
Can't be...
Never will be...

falling apart (literally)

my hair is falling out.
it's incredibly frustrating, and embarrassing actually. I literally leave a trail behind me. ugh. It's not the first time, my hair has done this more than once in my lifetime, I think in times of stress. I'm feeling the stress at the moment. Not stress over Caden though. I feel further away from him than I ever have before. I feel quite "normal". It's strange and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.


randomness:
Somthing I meant to write ages ago : We saw a friend who lives interstate. She wanted to come out for Caden's memorial but wasn't able to. We saw her for the first time recently. She wanted to see Caden's photos, so I pulled them out. I commented on the fact that I wish they had had a little hat for him to wear, because of the fact that his fontanelle (his soft spot) was big (happens in Trisomy 18 babies) and had sunk in a little. It really bothers me sometimes.
Kate's comment?
"Oh but it's okay, it's not bad...it's him"
She's right. I loved her in that moment. There is nothing wrong with it. It's how he looked, so why cover it up? It's part of who he is.

I've started going to my acupuncturist again. I cried when I told her about Caden. I had another session today. It was nice. I just love the feeling I get from it. C. is magic.

quiet times
I have been overly quiet online for weeks now. I often WANT to write posts, but I am working a lot lately and have had a LOT of work stress (G, I totally sympathise with your work issues as I am going through something similar) I used to write entries at work, but I cant do that anymore, and when I get home from work I am just exhausted.

I swear I am falling apart.

Physically I mean.

Between my teeth, and my hair falling out, and my eyes...

What, I didn't tell you about my eyes?
About how I am pretty much slowly going blind?
About how I've now been told that I may be too far gone for any kind of laser surgery?
*sigh*

I need to sit, and think for a few hours. And try to process some of the things I am feeling. I believe I am repressing. Could blow up if left unattended.

Turmoil and Ambivalence

Okay, well I didn't realise I had been gone for so long, but Holli has called me out so here I am!

Nothing dramatic has occured, but my life has become infinitely more complicated with dramas and whatnot, and I have simply not felt that I had anything to say here.

My life is in turmoil. My job is in turmoil. My family is in turmoil. My heart is in turmoil.

I feel that I am not enough of a mother because I no longer cry every day
I feel like I am not a good enough bereaved mother because I do not think of Caden all the time, every day.
I feel like I am not doing this right. Because I feel okay.

I have found peace with Caden's passing.
I have found peace with having to wait to ttc.
I have found peace with a lot of things.

There are, however, the emails about births of friends' babies that pinch. They used to stab me right through the heart, and now that has dulled to a quick pain, followed by ambivalence. I am not thrilled for them, but neither am I angry at them.

It was my birthday yesterday. I threw a tantrum about having to go out. I am in a "boo hoo I hate my body, I hate all my clothes they make me look FAT" stage again. If I could have gone out in sweatpants I would have. I cried when i got in the car because I just did. not. want. to. go. To my own birthday dinner. I fear I am becoming somewhat antisocial.

So here I sit, fairly ambivalent about most things in life, with no real emotions one way or another (aside from the infantile tantrums). I promise I will be back very soon, and hopefully with something slightly more insightful to say.