'seeing' caden

R has been asking about heaven again. I know he thinks about Caden but sometimes I would love to know what really goes on in his head, how he is working through it. He generally just comes out with comments about heaven randomly out of nowhere.

One thing that made me lol the other day - we were driving past a cemetary (not caden's) and R asked whether God had the biggest 'heaven stick'. I was so confused.
"Heaven stick?"
"Yeah, heaven stick."
I must speak 6-yr-old because I figured it out pretty fast - he was talking about the gravestones at the cemetary!
Then I had to explain why God wasn't buried in a cemetary...why do kids ask the hard questions?

I went to see Caden last week. It was the first time I've been out there in awhile. The last time I went was with Kim and we noticed that the grass was overgrown around his marker, I'm guessing because the caretakers didn't want to move his toys to mow. I was happy about that, but then I kept meaning to go out with a pair of scissors and tidy it up.

When I went out last week it was all clipped and there was a new car there for Caden...looks like my SIL made her way out there :)



Had a long chat with him for probably the first time in over 4 months...I'm not the type that sits and 'talks' to him the way I know some people do. I guess I feel a bit foolish.

While I was out visiting Caden there they were digging another baby sized grave...why does it never end?

Angry at the world, Angry at nothing...

I'm so angry. At times I am literally shaking from rage.
It's not directly anger at the deadbaby situation, but I'd have to be incredibly naive to say it's not indirectly related. Just everything is pissing me off at the moment.
In particular, 3 things.
I'm not going to go into it because that just increases the anger and doesn't get my anywhere - just gets me all worked up again!!!
*sigh* it's quite ridiculous really.

I had a sort of fight with Kim the other day.
Slept on the couch.
We're over it now.

But the other anger issues - still festering away. I don't know how to deal with it.
I think I need therapy.

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burnt" - Buddhist quote

*********************

Just so y'all don't get all worried about me...I'm not all doom and gloom.
Something cute from the other day.
Out of nowhere - R comes out with "Do you think God is letting Caden have rides on Danny?"
"Yes, I think so."
(Danny is our family dog who died of old age last year)
He can be so sweet when he isnt throwing a tantrum over eating his peas...


Wait a minute.

Isn't it funny how you lose perspective?
I decide to write something cute and not as depressing as I thought I was coming across (people have expressed concern) - and what do I come up with? My son asking whether his dead baby brother is getting to ride our dear old dog.

Fuck me.

You never really are the same after your child dies are you??

Children...

Little-Friend-at-School looks at R, then at me and says

“Is that your mother?”
R looks around, sees me - "uh-huh, yep".
She turns and says to me “Did your baby die?”
“Yes he did.”
“Oh. That’s bad.”
“Yes its very sad.”
pause
“Did you know his heart just stopped?”
“No, I went into the hospital and they told me his heart had stopped”
“Just after he was born?”
“No, just before he was born”
“And then did he just go back into…(she curls her hands up)” She seemed lost and insinuating that she thought he just 'evaporated' in a sense, or turned back into a 'seed'...
I interrupted her to say
“No he was born, and then we buried him in the cemetery.”
Little-Next-Door-Neighbour (also in R's class) says “So if your baby didn’t die, R would have had a little brother!”
I say “yes, he has a little brother”
Little-Friend-at-School corrects her “no he'd have a big brother”
I laugh “no, R would be the big brother!”

And that was that.

They said goodbye cheerily to each other and skipped off home.

I love how kids just take it all in their stride.
They aren't afraid to ask about death.
They aren't afraid to upset you.
They are just curious little creatures.

Personally, I love to chat with R's little inquisitive girlfriends.