Mothers Day

I don't have the emotional energy to write an entry today.
I feel both blessed and cursed at the same time.

Blessed because of our amazing little boy Rory

Cursed because of my inability to have more children.

Look at what our clever boy made at school. The first two pages are about me, the second two are about Kim.

the kindness of strangers

In times when you feel like giving up on the world, it is amazing the things you can encounter. When I have been feeling my lowest, I have been shown the kindness of strangers. People who I have met online, but never in person, people who have helped me through my darkest times.

Thank you Michelley for making me a gorgeous bracelet in Caden's colours. Thankyou also for making a charm for Caden.

Thank you Donna, who I have hardly even spoken to, who sent us handmade beeswax candles, a dragonfly for Caden and a crystal suncatcher that sends rainbows all over the walls.

Thank you Luisa, who sent me a magazine she found in the newsagent because it had an article on children's grief that she thought I might find helpful.

You girls are the light in my life, and I cry at the thought of how beautiful each of you are.

And a special thankyou to my very beautiful friend Angie. For offering the biggest thing anyone has ever offered me, to carry a child for me if I am unable to.

I am humbled by your generosity and love.

Changes

I have returned.

On my very short break from the internet (during which I continued to visit certain sites daily - just lurked rather than commented - yes my addiction to the internet is that severe!!) I reached a few conclusions about certain things.

First. My perspective has changed somewhat on the IVF issue. I discovered that I could handle the idea of the 8 month wait fairly well (because really, time flies) until I start thinking about how other people are getting pregnant and having babies now. I discovered that it was not so much that I couldn't get pregnant now, as it was an issue of jealousy that they were doing it now, and a need to 'keep up' as it were.

Really, how ridiculous. I can no longer set our timelines by other people.

Also I decided to shift my focus somewhat and by giving myself certain projects, I feel that I can better pass the time. Of course tied up in all of this was the receiving of a letter from the head of obstetrics at my hospital - telling me that the odds of me having another terminal baby are very high. Higher than we originally thought, and too high for me to even consider trying to have another child without IVF.

In response to the 'bad' news about IVF (in that it will take much, much longer than I was originally told - and the letter mentioned above) I responded in the only way I know how. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, and generally was incredibly negative about everything and anything. I behaved as though it were the end of the world.

On my fifth day of said process (possibly in a state of delirium induced by not having eaten and barely sleeping), I decided enough was enough. I was done wallowing because it solved nothing. I was done being this shell of a person because I know that in part I do it so that everyone around me knows - I am not better. I am not over my son dying.

In some ways, I felt that I was appearing too 'good' to the outside world and I wanted them to know that I was still hurting.

problem is - no-one ever notices.

So it's rather pointless really.

Yesterday I spent the day redesigning my blog. I needed something brighter, something happier. Because while my beloved son dying shook me to the core of my very being, it did not kill me. And I need to brighten up my life and my outlook before I should even consider having another child. That and my surviving son needs me too much.

This is not to say that in a few days I will not fall in a messy heap again - but for now...I think I'm okay. And this morning, in the post, I received an amazing gift. A beautiful bracelet from one of my new friends - the ones who understand me, who will never judge me, and who love Caden.

Thank you Michelle.

Life can be good - it just takes a lot to be able to see it when something as precious as your child is taken from you.

I am grateful

I am grateful to have the most incredible partner I could ask for
I am grateful to have my crazy, mischievous, often naughty 6 year old
I am grateful to have my sister in law who makes me smile and loves us unconditionally
I am grateful to live in a country with free healthcare
I am grateful to be able to access IVF even though we have to wait
I am grateful to live in an amazing area near the beach, in a street filled with children
I am grateful to have had the opportunity to hold and love my Caden
I am grateful to be alive

time off

I might be offline for awhile.

I feel like my heart is breaking and I need to take time to curl into a ball and pretend the world isnt turning.

My online friends who read this blog - thank you for your continued love and support.
I know me, I love the net way too much, I'll be back soon.
But for now, everywhere I turn there are babies and pregnancies.
For those of us who have lost a baby and are now ttc or pregnant - I am thrilled for you and your rainbow babies :0) But at the same time, it is reminding me of what I cannot have, and breaks my heart all over again.

So I'll be back when I'm a little stronger, to cheer you on.

Love

The world owes me a cookie today

This morning I got some happy IVF news.
I was so excited, truly happy for the first time in months.
Late this afternoon I get another call. Oops we got it wrong.
You can't have that dream.
I went from our best case scenario to our absolute worst case scenario.
I feel like my world has come crashing down again.

Ive spent hours in tears. I now know that I will cry for the next 7-8 months.
Until I might finally be able to try to have another baby.
I feel like I should give up. Like I should stop hoping, stop dreaming, stop wanting more.
I feel like I am just inviting more heartache.
I am just in so much pain. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

Everytime I get a glimpse of good, something snatches it away again.
When does this ever stop?
Why can't anything good happen to me?
I feel like I'll never be happy again.

Wasnt my baby dying bad enough?


When is enough, enough?

2 months without Caden

ho hum

Despite the overwhelming negativity of the past two entries, I'm doing ok.
I hit a rough patch at work yesterday (which I'm sure I will write about another day).

Despite running on three hours sleep and a ton of coffee (and not much else) I feel okay today.
I did have a moment this morning when I was dropping off Rory at his Vacation Care while I'm at work, there was a cheeky little boy saying goodbye to his big brother and for the first time I had a glimpse of what we will miss with Caden. I could see him for the first time as a child rather than the baby I always see him as. It's making me tear up a little to write, but I was surprised at how the thought didn't upset me like I thought it would.

I'm keeping myself really busy, editing a newspaper, getting ready for the long weekend where I get to meet my SIL's new partner (v. exciting) and going to work. All I want to do though is go home and lay on the couch with a box of chocolates.

So I guess I've settled into a sort of melancholy rather than the deep grief I was feeling a few days ago. Hmm.

Don't know which I prefer to tell you the truth.

hate this. want it to go away.

I feel so sad today.
So fucking sad.

Last night I cried again. And when I say cried, I dont mean quiet tears, I have them every day. I mean gut wrenching, clutching my chest, screaming tears.
It always hits me at about 1:30am-2am. And because Kim has to be up at 5:30am to go to work, I was trying so hard to be quiet. I even went out to the lounge room to avoid waking her up. I gave myself one hell of a headache holding in my really loud sobs. All I wanted to do was wail.

I thought I had it out of my system, so I went back to bed. Kept sobbing quietly. Eventually Kim woke up and grabbed me into a hug as she does. And it broke out of me. I wailed so hard and so loud, I nearly threw up. I sobbed and wailed for a little bit and then was so close to being physically ill that I forced myself to calm down. It felt fucking good to make so much noise though.

And today I'm off work, eating pizza for lunch, lying on the couch with a killer headache watching tv and drinking bourbon. And feeling utterly sorry for myself.

I fucking hate this.

I FUCKING HATE THIS.

I thought I was doing well seeing babies around and stuff, but I have found my biggst trigger. Seeing families like ours. Two mums and a baby just does.me.in.

I FUCKING HATE THIS.

issues

please excuse the language, it's how I feel right now - if you're offended by the 'f' word, skip this entry. Seriously.

So I'm having such body issues right now. I hate myself.

It doesnt matter how many times Kim says she loves me and all of me, it doesn't make me feel any better.

I never felt so beautiful as I did when I was pregnant. I felt good about me. I joked about being the size of a rhinoceros but the truth is I admired myself and my stomach every time I was near a mirror.

I knew that once I had the baby I would be fat again, but who would care? When I had a beautiful baby to show for it.

Thats what fucking sucks about being a deadbabymama. When people look at me they don't know that i had a baby. They just see me.

I feel fatter now than I did a month ago. My stomach is flabby and squishy and my thighs are fucking massive. I can't wear my old clothes and be damned if I'm wearing maternity clothes.

I'm angry, and frustrated, and just...angry.

Fuck.

I feel fucking disgusting.