Thursday, May 8, 2008


I have returned.

On my very short break from the internet (during which I continued to visit certain sites daily - just lurked rather than commented - yes my addiction to the internet is that severe!!) I reached a few conclusions about certain things.

First. My perspective has changed somewhat on the IVF issue. I discovered that I could handle the idea of the 8 month wait fairly well (because really, time flies) until I start thinking about how other people are getting pregnant and having babies now. I discovered that it was not so much that I couldn't get pregnant now, as it was an issue of jealousy that they were doing it now, and a need to 'keep up' as it were.

Really, how ridiculous. I can no longer set our timelines by other people.

Also I decided to shift my focus somewhat and by giving myself certain projects, I feel that I can better pass the time. Of course tied up in all of this was the receiving of a letter from the head of obstetrics at my hospital - telling me that the odds of me having another terminal baby are very high. Higher than we originally thought, and too high for me to even consider trying to have another child without IVF.

In response to the 'bad' news about IVF (in that it will take much, much longer than I was originally told - and the letter mentioned above) I responded in the only way I know how. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, and generally was incredibly negative about everything and anything. I behaved as though it were the end of the world.

On my fifth day of said process (possibly in a state of delirium induced by not having eaten and barely sleeping), I decided enough was enough. I was done wallowing because it solved nothing. I was done being this shell of a person because I know that in part I do it so that everyone around me knows - I am not better. I am not over my son dying.

In some ways, I felt that I was appearing too 'good' to the outside world and I wanted them to know that I was still hurting.

problem is - no-one ever notices.

So it's rather pointless really.

Yesterday I spent the day redesigning my blog. I needed something brighter, something happier. Because while my beloved son dying shook me to the core of my very being, it did not kill me. And I need to brighten up my life and my outlook before I should even consider having another child. That and my surviving son needs me too much.

This is not to say that in a few days I will not fall in a messy heap again - but for now...I think I'm okay. And this morning, in the post, I received an amazing gift. A beautiful bracelet from one of my new friends - the ones who understand me, who will never judge me, and who love Caden.

Thank you Michelle.

Life can be good - it just takes a lot to be able to see it when something as precious as your child is taken from you.


scarredbellybutton said...

Welcome back. Why the long wait for IVF? Public system? We went as public at the private clinic, and waited about 6 months, HOWEVER waiting that long was our choice (chance to save up the $ to pay for it), and we could have actually got in much much sooner.

If you have your initial appt at the beginning of the year you'll get in sooner.

Amy said...

The new design is awesome. How bright and beautiful.

I don't understand why it is going to take so long for IVF but I am sure you will fill us in.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and being gentle with yourself.

Big Cyber Hugs to you and welcome back!

CLC said...

I like the new look and the new attitude. Welcome back!

Aunt Becky said...

Welcome back, darlin'.

I love the new design. It's gorgeous.

Kristi said...

"I can no longer set our timelines by other people." ... LOVE this, so true but so difficult not to do. I've been thinking about you gals non-stop (the new layout looks great!)

G said...

Love the new look too and glad to "see" you back.

I know it probably doesn't help any but I am not 6 months out and I never thought I would survive if I had to wait 6 or more months to get pregnant again. Now I am in so much better of a spot emotionally to handle getting back on the TTC with assistance train.

Take care

c. said...

Love the new look, Brooke. Very happy to see you back. Hope 8 months flies by. Six certainly have for me. Thinking of you.

angelmom228 said...

Love the new look and glad to have you back.

Anonymous said...

Brooke- My dear friend I'm glad to see your return. I was sad to know all that your going through. I hope your 8 months fly by.

Your new look is great and so is your attitude.



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