Thursday, May 29, 2008

catching up

SATURDAY - Autopsy is a four letter word.
I had a challenging weekend. On Saturday L and C both separately asked Kim whether we had the autopsy reports. Hearing anyone use the word autopsy in relation to my son (except me, and my deadbabymamafriends) makes me ill...and angry. I simultaneously wanted to punch them in the face, throw up, scream at them and run away. Instead, I sat perfectly still and pretended I couldn’t hear them.

SUNDAY - Shadow baby.
On Sunday all the kids from the street were playing together in the street. We pulled the basketball hoop out to the footpath and they played for hours. The neighbour with a baby came out and introduced herself. Her baby is 6 months old.
“I so hope there is this kind of community for Joel when he is older.”
I wanted to throw up. I wanted to tell her my baby would have played with hers if he didn’t die. She left, then came back with her baby. I saw her coming. I went into the house and hid. Apparently she introduced the baby to Kim. Kim wanted to tell her about Caden but didn’t know how. I want her to know. To know why we aren’t being nice and friendly with her and her baby. To know that we had a baby, almost the same age, who would have grown up with her Joel and played with him. I need her to know.


Today I cried. I cried as I lay on the couch talking to Kim. I cried when I hung up. I cried when I got up to switch on the light, and sunk to the floor wailing at how unfair it is. I cried as I walked to the kitchen, I cried as I opened the cupboards, and couldn’t see a thing for my tears. I cried as I opened the freezer, and sat in front of the open doors sobbing. I cried as I looked for lunch, I cried as I made my lunch. I cried as I ate it.

I’m so fucking SICK of crying. I’m sick of this life of shitty things happening.


Rachel said...

Heartbreaking. I'm thinking of you and Kim and Rory and Caden.

G said...

I am so sorry hun. This totally sucks, there isn't enough tissue in the world to handle all of our crying.
Thinking of you.

Holli said...

For some reason I have this need to tell people about my baby. I want them to know about her. I don't know how to bring it up. My neighbor is in the hospital having her baby right now. I dread seeing that baby. I really dread it.

Liz said...

I am sorry. It seems that there are always more tears, even if we think we've cried ourselves out. And it sucks. I think it's important to tell people about Caden. You do a beautiful job of it here. If only getting the words out of our mouths about our babies was as easy.

Hope said...

I'm sorry people feel the need to know every detail. I believe they do not have that right to drill anyone about Cadens autopsy report.

It's ok to cry. It's been 3 years and I still cry. (( hugs ))

c. said...

I'm sorry, Brooke. There are days when I really believe that this is going to get easier. And then there are moments I cry far more than I laugh or even smile. It does get less intense. But easy? It will never get easy.

Thinking of you.

mrsmuelly said...

The tears can really be healing sometimes. I hope that's what they were for you.

k@lakly said...

Let the tears flow, they need to. I'd want to tell her about him also. But I totally get steering clear, it just opens the wound too much.
I agree with C., the rawness does go away but yea, it's just never going to be easy.


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