Dear Anonymous

Anonymous. You said to me, on the post about my son's grave being robbed:

that's poopy.
however, in all honesty, i don't think it really matters. Caden had your love, that's all he ever needed.
your youngest son is playing in the heavens.

a) I don't give a fuck what you think.
b) How dare you come to the blog of a grieving mother and tell her that it doesnt matter that her beloved child's grave was ROBBED
c) Ohh so he's in heaven and that makes it all okay?

I am so angry right now I could spit. That someone would come here and tell me that I should basically NOT CARE that some fucking asshole STOLE all my baby's wordly goods from his fucking grave. Lets see her (I assume) bury a child, tend to their grave and then have it raped in that way.

I'm sorry to be so abrupt. I'm sure it was well intentioned, but seriously. If you have never grieved...dont come here and tell me how to grieve. In fact...even if you have grieved, don't tell anyone else how to grieve, period.

Hearing that someone had gone grave robbing that day sent me into a fit of screaming and crying the likes of which had not occured since the day after I gave birth to my tiny dead son. Don't you take that away from me. Don't you tell me that my heart was not legitimately broken that day.

Read my blog from the start. Go and read my friends in the stirrup queens blog list.

Educate yourself.

good then bad

Well I had a great weekend...followed by getting sick on Monday :(

Weekend was a deaf camp weekend which was so much fun, my whole face hurt by the end of it from laughing so much. I met so many new people it was wonderful. I have a whole new group of friends. Everyone signed which was great...no voice allowed for three days, even the hearing people.

One of the things I love about the deaf community is that there is no pity. Not in a bad way...but...ah, I'll give you an example. Kids are always a hot topic - when you meet someone a usual question is 'you have children?' followed by 'how old' and 'are any of them deaf'?

So the weekend was spent telling a lot of people that I have two children - one is 6yrs old and the other died in February. They almost always just made a bit of a face, the sorry face, but there is no pity, no "oh I'm so sorry" that I hate so much. Just accepted as FACT. Ahh I like that. I got to talk about him with a lot of people who weren't put off by hearing about him. Didn't feel uncomfortable at the mere mention of a dead child.

Add to that a weekend of a lot of good food, drama performances filled with hilarious men in drag putting makeup on each other, people being monkeys and orangutans...oh my...of course there were a lot of late nights, sitting outside in the freezing cold...could be why I ended up sick on MOnday...

Ugh I woke up on Monday and my throat was killing me. And I had to use my voice because I was at work, but I so wished I was still on camp so that I could just sign instead of having to strain my voice. It hurt so much by the end of the day. I took today off work today and have been lazy all day...ahhh I love it.

into my arms

Not one to post lyrics. But I really have nothing valid to write about and this morning there was a stunning rendition of this on the radio, sung unaccompanied by a Darwin artist and I cried all the way to work. It speaks to me of Caden...

I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candle burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

dia de los angelitos

It has been a very trying day. On top of Rory getting in MORE trouble at school, I spent all day trying to track down orange marigolds for my ofrenda and the bakery I was getting my sugar skulls from sold out because I am stupid and didn't reserve them.

However, I have a princess in shining work boots who went into the city on her way home and got me an alternative :o)

Of course there is a pez dispenser (K collects them) with candy, the angels from Aunty Chrissy and Nanny Coral, the charm from Michelley, the gown he wore when he was born, cranes made the day of his funeral and his name blocks.

After what happened at the cemetary last week, I dont feel comfortable leaving offerings there so I will light incense at his grave tonight, and burn the same incense at home to guide his spirit back to us.

Next to my little ofrenda is a shelf with my scrapbook and many tiny glass angels to represent all of the tiny lost babies I have come to know this year. If you are in my deadbabymafia...your baby is there in tiny glass angel form.

Does anyone else celebrate Dia de los Muertos and Dia de los Angelitos??

no-one cares

I have come to realise that no-one really cares about Caden but us.
No-one has ever commented on his anniversary days (not including my amazing online friends who remember him and us every single month).
I commented to my mother just the other day that the 27th is a hard day for me. Her response?
"What...every month?!?"
Err, yes every month. It's only been 8 months, not 50 years. And besides, I'm fairly sure I will still think of him on the 27th of every month 50 years from now.

You know how I said my SIL would go nuts? She didn't. No-one seems to understand the magnitude of what happened the other day. Of someone raping his grave in that way. I feel violated. I feel like he isn't safe there anymore. I wanted to run out there the other day, dig him up and take him home with me.

The explosion of emotion I felt at hearing those words over the phone, the way I simply broke down, shocked me. I fully did NOT expect to react that way, it caught me by such surprise.

gone **update**

So it was not the cemetary that removed Caden's belongings. I expected that they had taken them while doing maintenance, but I know they are quite respectful so I assumed they would be in the front office, hopefully kept in a bag together. I was upset at seeing it bare on his 8 month birthday, but figured when I rang in the morning we ould sort it out.

I had a few other, more strange ideas of what happened - that perhaps the cemetary took it in an attempt to get us to finally pay for a plaque for the site. I planned on calling every newspaper in town and telling them how the cemetary were discriminating against us. I was going to create a blog dedicated to badmouthing the cemetary.

Then I thought - perhaps someone will try to ransom us. It's fairly easy to track down the family of the babies. Ring us and say "we have all his belongings. How much will you give us".
My general thought on how I would respond to this would involve "I'll give you an arrest warrant and a very pissed off Auntie with a gun who is legally allowed to shoot you in the nuts if she deems it necessary. She will deem it necessary."

So with all these wild thoughts in my head, I ring the cemetary.
"Hi I am wondering why my son's grave has been stripped bare"
He says "I've already had 4 other families ring in and I can tell you it was not the cemetary..."
Cue me screaming and sobbing and throwing myself on the floor.
In the middle of my office.
Which is not an office but a cubicle on a floor with 20 other people.
Possibly on phone calls to clients.

Got my mother to ring them back and ask WTF.
Apparently the cemetary was 'vandalised' on the weekend.
The perinatal section was targeted.
Who the fuck does that?

I get stealing the pretty toys, the new things, people are sick.
But WHY take the broken windmills?
WHY take the broken glass ornaments?
(broken in the LAST vandalism attack)

I mean come on. What is the purpose of that?
Apparently one other father rang up and said "Why the FUCK would someone steal a half burnt candle!?!"

We will never know. But I can tell you this. My SIL will have a fit. She will go insane. She also has a gun (cop). All our friends are police too. I foresee some kind of operation going on (I'd love to say I'm kidding, but I'm just not).

What is the world coming to?

gone

I have just been out to visit Caden's grave.

It is stripped bare. There is nothing left.
All of his toys, windmills and gifts are gone.
The gifts my SIL brought back from London.
The gift I bought him for his 6 month birthday.
The windmill we bought on Mothers Day.
The teddy his brother picked out for him.
I feel sick to my stomach and I don't understand.

Happy 8 month birthday Caden.
Everything you own is gone.

unbelonging

I have had a rough week or so, hence my absence. Well it's been a few weeks now.

I feel like I don't fit in somehow in this, my beloved deadbabymafia. I am not like so many of the deadbabymoms I love so much. I do not pine for Caden. I do not think of him and cry every day. I do not write him letters, I do not speak to him. Sometimes I do go and lay on his grave and stroke the grass but that's about as close as it gets.

I have often wondered whether I am in some form of long term delayed denial. It did not take me long to reach full acceptance of his death. I did not react in the way that I assumed I would, should a tragedy such as this strike my family. I assumed I would be a bawling mess and that I would never get over it.

As we sat in that hospital room, less than an hour after being told he was dead, I looked at my partner in horror and said "How will we ever get over this?"

The answer is - we will. And it won't take long.

Oh I had a good month or so where I would break into this raw grief, this primal, guttural roar of sobs would break free without warning or any kind of control. It would exit my body and I would feel lighter afterwards. Each time lasted a little less.

It has been over 6 months since I cried with such ferocity.

Now the tears fall silently as I watch videos of other babies gone too soon. The tears fall as I think of him. They fall quietly, and they are gone as quickly as they arrived.

I fully accept that our boy was never meant for this earth.
I fully accept and understand that he was never going to grow with us.
I fully accept that he achieved all he needed to achieve in those 37 weeks.

I do not grieve for him.

Do I wish I had another day with him? Of course.
Do I love him? Unconditionally.
Do I ache for him? I don't think so.
Do I scream and cry at how unfair life is? No.

Does this make me feel like a freak? You betcha.

Another photo blog

I'm stuck for things to say today...and lately. I feel like I should write, which is making me stubbornly not want to write.
Just got back from a short holiday...good times.






No Squid :(
But plenty of blue crab




And Starfish :)



Just realised our finds are blue and orange...Caden's colours. How glorious.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.