Friday, October 24, 2008

unbelonging

I have had a rough week or so, hence my absence. Well it's been a few weeks now.

I feel like I don't fit in somehow in this, my beloved deadbabymafia. I am not like so many of the deadbabymoms I love so much. I do not pine for Caden. I do not think of him and cry every day. I do not write him letters, I do not speak to him. Sometimes I do go and lay on his grave and stroke the grass but that's about as close as it gets.

I have often wondered whether I am in some form of long term delayed denial. It did not take me long to reach full acceptance of his death. I did not react in the way that I assumed I would, should a tragedy such as this strike my family. I assumed I would be a bawling mess and that I would never get over it.

As we sat in that hospital room, less than an hour after being told he was dead, I looked at my partner in horror and said "How will we ever get over this?"

The answer is - we will. And it won't take long.

Oh I had a good month or so where I would break into this raw grief, this primal, guttural roar of sobs would break free without warning or any kind of control. It would exit my body and I would feel lighter afterwards. Each time lasted a little less.

It has been over 6 months since I cried with such ferocity.

Now the tears fall silently as I watch videos of other babies gone too soon. The tears fall as I think of him. They fall quietly, and they are gone as quickly as they arrived.

I fully accept that our boy was never meant for this earth.
I fully accept and understand that he was never going to grow with us.
I fully accept that he achieved all he needed to achieve in those 37 weeks.

I do not grieve for him.

Do I wish I had another day with him? Of course.
Do I love him? Unconditionally.
Do I ache for him? I don't think so.
Do I scream and cry at how unfair life is? No.

Does this make me feel like a freak? You betcha.

8 comments:

Kristi said...

You are far from a freak. It's called healing and in no way should ANY of us be chided for how we choose to grieve, or deal, or heal, or grow. Look towards the sunrise on the horizon, that's where your future lies. Love ya!

Amy said...

Oh, dear, you are NOT a freak. You are far from that. There are so many different ways we grieve.

I'm thinking of you, you are always in my thoughts.

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

You're not the only one. I feel that I have come to accept Tyler's death and while I wish it didn't happen, it did and I'm ok with it now. Sometimes I feel like a really bad mom b/c I may not think about him every day, but we do have to realize that life goes on without them. I think the place you are in is good and the place everyone else wishes they were.
Lots of love!
Kara

Brenna's Mom said...

Shit Brooke, I could have written this myself. I think there must be something wrong with me because after only 7 months I am not bawling my eyes out everyday over the loss of my child. I have written this myself, several times (I've even used the term freak!). I did not have a breakdown over her death. I guess society expects mothers to loose it when their child dies- and if you don't you start to feel like less of a mother. Like something must be wrong with you because you are keeping it together. I've had my days. But I am over it. It so hard to ever write those words because it makes me feel like a terrible person. But the truth is I have accepted it, and moved on.

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like a freak too. We can be freaks together. :)

~Holli~

AlexandrasMom said...

Brooke - I know you know we all greive differently (You've read the posts) I think as long as you are at peace with things it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Some other Mommies may think they are freaks for not being at peace with things a year later, so just take it easy on yourself. (You may be a freak but not because of this) Kidding! ; )

Ange said...

Hi Brooke. Well wow what an amazing woman you are. Please do not at all feel like a freak. There is no right or wrong - just our stories and each girls journey. I think many women would love to be where you are. If it helps I too do not cry anything like I did in the first 2-3 months. Well maybe a 'big one' every now and again.
I truly hope you get to experience another baby in the future. Maybe a little Luca. In the meantime best of luck on your healing. Much love to you and Caden

halfadozen said...

wow-- you are so incredibly brave to have written this... grief is grief and however you feel in it is totally real, and does not make you a freak. You can not force anything-- and being able to function and find joy is a gift, not something to feel ashamed of. I send big hugs from here...

Tristansmommy said...

Hey Brooke, I guess if this makes you a freak count me in on that, cause I'm right there with you, I was nodding my head in agreement on your blog, I feel the same, we've all come a long way, and we'll always miss and love our boy's but the emotion is not raw like it was 9 months ago.......

I'm so very sorry for the vandals and thiefs, they are sick sick people...

 

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