all clear

For those of you who remember, my Mother in Law has been battling cancer this year. For those of you who said a prayer for her, who thought of her at any point, who sent positive, healing energy...I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Because 2 days ago we were told by the doctors that she is essentially CURED.

There is no trace of the lymphoma and all of her CAT scans and whatnot are pure and clear. She is well again.

I am thrilled to have some good news at the end of a truly, truly shitty year.

sick

Forgive the radio silence but I have been deathly ill for about a week and a half now. It's supposedly "just a cold" but man, I have never been hit like this by a cold before.

I swear, it's not a cold, it's the PLAGUE!

In amongst all this we are renovating the house which is a HUGE nightmare and my computer/phone/everything has been pulled out of the wall...so no internets for me at home anymore.

I haven't been out to visit Caden since we went out for his 8 month birthday and found it bare. I feel terrible for this because I normally go out quite often. I just can't bring myself to go out there, maybe I'm scared of what I will find this time? I think I'm still mad that other babies toys weren't stolen, and seeing all their treasures still there while mine were taken...well it makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I can't believe I feel sick when I think about visiting my son...i think this is the worst part about what happened, it has tainted my view of that place, that place that was peaceful and pure to me up until a month ago...

Dear Anonymous

Anonymous. You said to me, on the post about my son's grave being robbed:

that's poopy.
however, in all honesty, i don't think it really matters. Caden had your love, that's all he ever needed.
your youngest son is playing in the heavens.

a) I don't give a fuck what you think.
b) How dare you come to the blog of a grieving mother and tell her that it doesnt matter that her beloved child's grave was ROBBED
c) Ohh so he's in heaven and that makes it all okay?

I am so angry right now I could spit. That someone would come here and tell me that I should basically NOT CARE that some fucking asshole STOLE all my baby's wordly goods from his fucking grave. Lets see her (I assume) bury a child, tend to their grave and then have it raped in that way.

I'm sorry to be so abrupt. I'm sure it was well intentioned, but seriously. If you have never grieved...dont come here and tell me how to grieve. In fact...even if you have grieved, don't tell anyone else how to grieve, period.

Hearing that someone had gone grave robbing that day sent me into a fit of screaming and crying the likes of which had not occured since the day after I gave birth to my tiny dead son. Don't you take that away from me. Don't you tell me that my heart was not legitimately broken that day.

Read my blog from the start. Go and read my friends in the stirrup queens blog list.

Educate yourself.

good then bad

Well I had a great weekend...followed by getting sick on Monday :(

Weekend was a deaf camp weekend which was so much fun, my whole face hurt by the end of it from laughing so much. I met so many new people it was wonderful. I have a whole new group of friends. Everyone signed which was great...no voice allowed for three days, even the hearing people.

One of the things I love about the deaf community is that there is no pity. Not in a bad way...but...ah, I'll give you an example. Kids are always a hot topic - when you meet someone a usual question is 'you have children?' followed by 'how old' and 'are any of them deaf'?

So the weekend was spent telling a lot of people that I have two children - one is 6yrs old and the other died in February. They almost always just made a bit of a face, the sorry face, but there is no pity, no "oh I'm so sorry" that I hate so much. Just accepted as FACT. Ahh I like that. I got to talk about him with a lot of people who weren't put off by hearing about him. Didn't feel uncomfortable at the mere mention of a dead child.

Add to that a weekend of a lot of good food, drama performances filled with hilarious men in drag putting makeup on each other, people being monkeys and orangutans...oh my...of course there were a lot of late nights, sitting outside in the freezing cold...could be why I ended up sick on MOnday...

Ugh I woke up on Monday and my throat was killing me. And I had to use my voice because I was at work, but I so wished I was still on camp so that I could just sign instead of having to strain my voice. It hurt so much by the end of the day. I took today off work today and have been lazy all day...ahhh I love it.

into my arms

Not one to post lyrics. But I really have nothing valid to write about and this morning there was a stunning rendition of this on the radio, sung unaccompanied by a Darwin artist and I cried all the way to work. It speaks to me of Caden...

I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candle burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms