Time Traveller

I so wish that I could go back in time.

Strangely, not back to when I was pregnant, as so many, I'm sure would. But there is no way to change the outcome, our dear baby was never meant for this world.

No, what I want to do is go back to the days and weeks following his death. I know I was in a sort of shock, but I was okay to be there. Sleeping together in the family room. Never really leaving that mattress on the floor for a full two weeks. Just lying, in each others arms, watching tv and tuning the rest of the world out.

If I wanted to cry, I cried.
If I wanted to scream, I screamed.
If something was funny, I laughed.

I didn't have to worry about being judged, because no-one was there (no-one but my SIL who silently left the room if I started to sob, leaving me in peace to grieve as loudly as I wanted).

I didn't need to hide my broken heart so that people would stop asking if I was ok.

It was just us, no responsibilities, no contact with the outside world.

It is possibly the freest I have ever felt in my life. I was given permission - nay I was expected to grieve. I was expected to fall apart and be a big mess.

Now - not so much.
I think people expect me to be over it.

Angry at the world, Angry at nothing...

I'm so angry. At times I am literally shaking from rage.
It's not directly anger at the deadbaby situation, but I'd have to be incredibly naive to say it's not indirectly related. Just everything is pissing me off at the moment.
In particular, 3 things.
I'm not going to go into it because that just increases the anger and doesn't get my anywhere - just gets me all worked up again!!!
*sigh* it's quite ridiculous really.

I had a sort of fight with Kim the other day.
Slept on the couch.
We're over it now.

But the other anger issues - still festering away. I don't know how to deal with it.
I think I need therapy.

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burnt" - Buddhist quote

*********************

Just so y'all don't get all worried about me...I'm not all doom and gloom.
Something cute from the other day.
Out of nowhere - R comes out with "Do you think God is letting Caden have rides on Danny?"
"Yes, I think so."
(Danny is our family dog who died of old age last year)
He can be so sweet when he isnt throwing a tantrum over eating his peas...


Wait a minute.

Isn't it funny how you lose perspective?
I decide to write something cute and not as depressing as I thought I was coming across (people have expressed concern) - and what do I come up with? My son asking whether his dead baby brother is getting to ride our dear old dog.

Fuck me.

You never really are the same after your child dies are you??

Never will be

Hey there - still here, still repressing.

Every night I feel the same sensation of tears pricking at my eyes and every night I swallow that lump that rises in my throat and change the subject in my own head. Every night it flashes into my mind. The minute when the doctor said those disgusting words. "I'm sorry (are you, are you really? or is it just your job to say that), your baby's heart does appear to have stopped" (no it hasn't. Check again. CHECK AGAIN).
The panic. God, the panic. My heart stops each time and I have to think of something else quick smart. I am just so fucking sick of crying. Is there no end to the tears we can shed. There should be. If I stop drinking water all together, will that help?

Everything I think of at the moment has an age attached to it. I think of anything we might do, any events coming up. Caden would have been 5 months old. Caden should have been 8 months old...

Should have been...
Would have been...
Isn't...
Can't be...
Never will be...

falling apart (literally)

my hair is falling out.
it's incredibly frustrating, and embarrassing actually. I literally leave a trail behind me. ugh. It's not the first time, my hair has done this more than once in my lifetime, I think in times of stress. I'm feeling the stress at the moment. Not stress over Caden though. I feel further away from him than I ever have before. I feel quite "normal". It's strange and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.


randomness:
Somthing I meant to write ages ago : We saw a friend who lives interstate. She wanted to come out for Caden's memorial but wasn't able to. We saw her for the first time recently. She wanted to see Caden's photos, so I pulled them out. I commented on the fact that I wish they had had a little hat for him to wear, because of the fact that his fontanelle (his soft spot) was big (happens in Trisomy 18 babies) and had sunk in a little. It really bothers me sometimes.
Kate's comment?
"Oh but it's okay, it's not bad...it's him"
She's right. I loved her in that moment. There is nothing wrong with it. It's how he looked, so why cover it up? It's part of who he is.

I've started going to my acupuncturist again. I cried when I told her about Caden. I had another session today. It was nice. I just love the feeling I get from it. C. is magic.

quiet times
I have been overly quiet online for weeks now. I often WANT to write posts, but I am working a lot lately and have had a LOT of work stress (G, I totally sympathise with your work issues as I am going through something similar) I used to write entries at work, but I cant do that anymore, and when I get home from work I am just exhausted.

I swear I am falling apart.

Physically I mean.

Between my teeth, and my hair falling out, and my eyes...

What, I didn't tell you about my eyes?
About how I am pretty much slowly going blind?
About how I've now been told that I may be too far gone for any kind of laser surgery?
*sigh*

I need to sit, and think for a few hours. And try to process some of the things I am feeling. I believe I am repressing. Could blow up if left unattended.

Turmoil and Ambivalence

Okay, well I didn't realise I had been gone for so long, but Holli has called me out so here I am!

Nothing dramatic has occured, but my life has become infinitely more complicated with dramas and whatnot, and I have simply not felt that I had anything to say here.

My life is in turmoil. My job is in turmoil. My family is in turmoil. My heart is in turmoil.

I feel that I am not enough of a mother because I no longer cry every day
I feel like I am not a good enough bereaved mother because I do not think of Caden all the time, every day.
I feel like I am not doing this right. Because I feel okay.

I have found peace with Caden's passing.
I have found peace with having to wait to ttc.
I have found peace with a lot of things.

There are, however, the emails about births of friends' babies that pinch. They used to stab me right through the heart, and now that has dulled to a quick pain, followed by ambivalence. I am not thrilled for them, but neither am I angry at them.

It was my birthday yesterday. I threw a tantrum about having to go out. I am in a "boo hoo I hate my body, I hate all my clothes they make me look FAT" stage again. If I could have gone out in sweatpants I would have. I cried when i got in the car because I just did. not. want. to. go. To my own birthday dinner. I fear I am becoming somewhat antisocial.

So here I sit, fairly ambivalent about most things in life, with no real emotions one way or another (aside from the infantile tantrums). I promise I will be back very soon, and hopefully with something slightly more insightful to say.

Adaptation

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality

Is this really me?
Is this really my life now?
Did my child really die?
At times I find myself going about my daily business and I stop....as the thought hits me that "holy shit. My baby died."
Having been one of those overly dramatic girls who in the past caused many a scene in a high school drama queen fashion, it feels at times as though this is some story I have concocted. As though it couldn't possibly have happened to me because things like this DO. NOT. REALLY. HAPPEN. And I always considered that if anyone in my close family died, I would just not be able to cope. I would just fall apart and cry all day every day and just be entirely unable to function.

But look at me.

My baby is dead. The child I planned, desperately wanted, wished and prayed for, carried for nine loving months, dreamed of, and loved...well he died. Inside me. And I gave birth to him. Dead (that word still brings automatic tears). And yet my life goes on.

I have to visit my child at his grave.

Can you imagine that?

Can you imagine going along and taking toys, rearranging windmills and flowers at your child's grave?

How horrific. Who could ever imagine such a thing?

And yet...a quote I heard on tv the other day stands out to me. To paraphrase Nigella Lawson...the human ability to normalise the abnormal, the tragic, is astounding.

It has become quite normal to me to visit my son's grave. To take him little token gifts. To water the flowers other parents leave their babies who are also buried there. To read stories of other deadbabymamas. To look lovingly at momento mori photos of the loved little precious babies who were born too early, born still.

Hmm. Isn't is strange how we are able to adapt.

where to start...what to do

I have let my griefwork go.
I have been ignoring my writing, I have been wrapping myself up in daily life because I felt it was necessary. I have been obsessing. Again.
My eating got out of control. I was eating a few bites of something once a day. I have not eaten more than once a day in months. I started eating again, bits and pieces, and every time I ate, I was in massive amounts of pain. I was sick. Eating actually made me sick. I am working on it. No eating disorder here btw. I want to eat, I just have NO appetite. It is my usual reaction to life events.

I dont know where to start with my writing.

Do I write about going in for an ultrasound - fertility investigation.
About how it felt being in that room, having that u/s, where my last experience involved being told my baby was, in fact, dead.
About how they sent me back out to the waiting room to drink more.
About how there was a mother in there cooing and babbling to her three month old baby...the same age as Caden.
About how she was incessant...about how much pain I was in...about how I wanted to scream.

Do I write about thinking we were going to ttc again...but now we aren't?

Do I write about crying again?
Do I write about how for some reason I have stopped caring so much?
Do I write about how many things I want to do, and how I have no drive to do them?

Do I write about how last night we found out we are going to face a serious, serious financial problem in the next year?
About how I have no idea how we will manage?
About how I feel like I have no options?

I guess I just did...
I feel useless. I feel...I don't even know how I feel.

Okay here it is.

I am facing a sort of writers block, in the sense that I just dont know how to get my thoughts onto the screen. There is so much racing around in my head...most of it bad. Most of it I wil not type out here for fear that someone I know will read it. Most of it makes me feel quite guilty.

But here's the long and short of it.

I'm angry.
I'm bitter.
I'm resentful.
I'm tired.

Really. Fucking. Tired.

I think I need about a week to sleep and think. I have found over the years that I need time to myself to work through my thoughts (I have a lot of them).

But what I can get out basically goes like this, I apologise if it makes no sense.

I am still angry that we cannot do the IVF right now. I feel like everything we have been through, we deserve it. Also, I recently realised what may seem blatantly obvious to everyone but us....it may not work. IVF is not a magic bullet, and there are no guarantees. While on an intellectual level I realise this, I think that emotionally I just think we'll do it and get pregnant straight away. I would like to hope that I would handle a disappointment on our first cycle, or our second cycle, etc. but I'm just not sure, after the way I handled (or didnt handle) the IVF appointments over the weekend.

Anyway. I think I am coming to terms with the wait. Up until the trip, I was just hating the idea of waiting for 6 months more than anything I have ever experienced. On the trip I sulked my way through 4 days of appointments. Walking through the clinic doors pretty much put me in a sour mood automatically. I am ashamed to say I acted like a petulant child the entire time. I had no idea that it was going to affect me so greatly.

I have been avoiding most thoughts of Caden lately.

We have talked about wanting to do permanent foster care for awhile now. Living in Australia, we can't adopt a child, but I have worked with kids in foster care before, and permanent care is about as close as we can get to adoption. Last night I was reading a newsletter from another state that listed the special needs babies and kids who are looking for families. Two of them jumped out at me. I so wish that we lived in that state. These two babies, aged 3 and 4 months, with medical conditions, may never get a permanent home. I haven't been able to get them out of my head since then. I just can't stop thinking about them.

I feel angry at someone I was close to. Well thats not right. I am angry at things that have happened, not at the person per se. But I am saddened at this, another loss in my life.

Ugh. I can't focus on one thought for long enough to even make sense.

Sorry.

Four days that felt like a lifetime...

I am back from our four day trek to New South and back again.

I am physically and emotionally EXHAUSTED.
It was a lot harder than I expected.
More dreams shattered, I have very little left.

Will write more tomorrow, I need sleep now...

avoidance tactics

I have realised I have written very little about my emotional state lately. On purpose. Im a big mess. No one really cares anymore. I am expected to be "over this" now.
And I am bitter, and angry, and feel very abandoned.
There are a few things I need to get out on 'paper' and need to write a long, real entry.

But not tonight.

I was tagged by K@laky, giving me the perfect excuse to avoid facing my emotions yet again :)

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was 14, grade 9, hating life, thinking it couldn't get any worse (ha!). Decided to move to Italy. No really, I did.

2. What 5 things are on your to do list today?
as its after midnight I guess it qualifies - 1) ring up all the companies I owe money to and tell them my details have changed AGAIN because I lost my credit card AGAIN
2) get through the day at work without bursting into tears at my desk AGAIN
3) eat. habit of not eating is impacting negatively on my health (who would have thought?)
4) actually do some work at work
5) pack for the trip to Sydney that I should be excited about but i am the opposite.

3.List snacks you enjoy.
Nothing at the present time. But I used to like food. I vaguely remember it.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Buy my family members decent homes.
Use my wealth to shoot me to the top of adoption lists a.la M.ad.onna/A.ngl.ina J.ol.ie
Fund massive amounts of Stillbirth research
oh so many things but I get depressed thinking about money because we are so. broke.

5. List places you have lived.
Treviso, Italy
Modena, Italy
Granada, Spain
South Australia

6. List jobs you have had.
Legal secretary, waitress, international spy, bestselling author, childcare worker.
(okay only 3 of those are true. You work out which ones ;)

7. List names of people you want to know more about.
I'm fairly sure everyone has done this already...but if you havent... tag! you're it...