Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Creme de la Creme/New Space

Hello again my dear friends and readers. I signed in to this account today to submit my creme de la creme 2009 entry...and in looking at it...I only wrote fourteen entries in the entire year last year. Two of which were responses to anonymous comments! There is nothing I can choose from this year that I am particularly proud of, or that were particularly deep. It's quite peculiar looking at it - that an entire year passed me by in the blink of an eye, and without much musing on my little lost one.

How very odd. And a little disappointing.

p.s. I know many of you have found me already in my new space, but if you would like to follow me and haven't yet rediscovered me, shoot me an email at silly little giraffe at gmail dot com (no spaces) and I will send you in the right direction :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

For all of you who supported me over the past nearly two years (two years?? its so fucking wierd to think it has been two years...) thankyou.

Thankyou to those of you who came over from BBC to read my story. For telling me how i opened your eyes to the world of stillbirth.

Thankyou to those of you who are part of the beloved DBM (deadbabymafia) who came to support me and validate me - that I am not insane...

Thankyou to those who came back time after time and mourned Caden's loss with me, raged against the vandals at the cemetary and rejoiced when LB joined us (he's doing well btw)

I'm not leaving this blog...but I am moving on.

The loss of Caden does not occupy my mind the way it once did. I feel like I have said all the things I need to say, I feel like it is time to move on. When my grief was so raw, the pain so intense, this was a lifeline. I came here to pour my soul onto the screen and work through my grief the only way I knew how...through my words. And through your words I got what I needed. I got a friendly ear listening to my rambling. I got words of love and of support, where I received none IRL.

So I say a huge thankyou, and assure you that I will be back with updates intermittently. But I am moving onto a new blog - that will encompass every area of my life - where this one has always been, and will always be my special little place for Caden.

I would love to list individually all the people who I have met on this special journey and who touched me. But to be honest I went from one blog to another to another and there were so many...so many people who touched my heart. You will always be special to me and I will always remember you all, and your precious little babies gone too soon.


Friday, October 16, 2009

absent but still...

Its so hard to know what to write about in here most days. That's why my entries tend to be few and far between. What do you write?

Monday - I miss Caden
Tuesday - I miss Caden
Wednesday - Went out today. Missed Caden.
Thursday - Cried today. I miss Caden.
Friday - Fuck this sucks, why isnt he here with me?
Saturday - Thought about Caden.

I mean really, I dont spend my days in tears. But I do think of him. I don't wallow anymore the way I used to, but I do think of him a lot. More and more as we approach the 2 year mark (still months from now) as i have heard so many people say, year 2 is harder than year 1 and it's true.

This blog was created about him. My other children don't feature here, because this is his place. So it makes sense that I do not write here every day, as I do not have anything new to say about him!

He's beautiful, he is missed, and he is a star now.

Wave of Light

Last night (my time) was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Rememberance Day. We did the Wave of Light at 7pm lighting two candles and leaving them to burn all night. One for our Caden, the other for all of the lost babies all over the world.

On FB I posted about it and was overwhelmed by the number of people in my life who were lighting candles for my boy.

Much of the time it feels as though we are alone in this journey. That no-one but us is remembering our dear lost ones. And then a few times a year, we see that they are not forgotten, that people remember them with love and affection, even though they do not speak of it on any other day of the year.

So thank you to my friends who are burning candles for my boy, may his light never go out.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Dear Anonymous (dont you love these entries??)

Dear Anonymous (dont you love these entries??)

You said "You cant be serious? Bringing fetal remains into your house.. You must be very upset of course, but that would be prohibited by law i believe.. My science teacher friend lost her baby @ 14 weeks and she had it bottled in formalehyde. At least he was safe there in the house. Yeah, its messed up how ppl do evil things.."

Let me stop laughing before I continue.

Ahem. First off - you are a fucking idiot.
Thats mostly all I need to say...but I'll continue.

I do not plan on digging him up and bringing his remains home. Ever heard of cremation? Its this newfangled thing they've been doing for centuries. We will be having him exhumed and cremated.

In case you are too stupid to understand, this is somewhat different to "bottling up" a baby in formaldehyde.
PS are you freaking serious?

Don't come back now.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Thanks for your comments on my last entry.
For the record, it is NOT the cemetary removing things.

It is their policy NEVER to remove ANYTHING from the children's garden. They confirmed to me on Monday that nothing had ever been removed by their staff and that it is vandals and disgusting criminals stealing from babies' graves.

I know you meant well but I hate hearing over and over "oh it was probably the cemetary staff". It makes it feel like people are minimising how disturbing, distressing and disgusting the whole thing is. It is GRAVEROBBING, people.

We have a plan, and Caden will not be in that awful place much longer, the place that was supposed to be his peaceful eternal resting place but has become a fearful, scary place.

We are bringing him home.

Monday, September 7, 2009

What was I thinking?

It is midnight and I am in a panic.
I am thinking about everything being taken from Caden's grave yet again. I am thinking about what kind of people would do this. Bad people. Scum. Then I think about how he is out there. With those people doing god knows what in the cemetary. Clearly they aren't there for a good reason. Just to cause pain. And I think about him out there, all alone with them.

He isn't safe!
He is my baby and I have left him out there all alone with criminals and disgusting people desecrating his grave!

He isn't safe!
Would I leave my living children in a place with criminals? With bad people?

He isn't SAFE.

And I think of him lying in his casket, crying out for me. Crying, the way LB does. Wanting me to come and save him.

I know it is just the shell of him. That his spirit is gone. We felt that the day of the funeral. But I feel him linked to that shell as we all are in some way.

And I can see him crying for me, scared. So scared. All alone. Wanting to know why I am not there with him.

Why isn't he home with us?
Why didn't I bring him home?
I have to go and get him.
Bring him home where I can protect him.
What was I thinking putting him in the ground so far away from us? With strangers, with bad people walking over the top of him?

What was I thinking?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Heartbreak again

We went out to visit Caden today.

Once again his grave has been stripped bare.

I don't know how long I can continue like this, having him there, being violated over, and over again. I can't handle it. Why do people desecrate graves? Why do people steal from dead babies? What on earth would posess you to do that? The toys were weathered. They were verging on ratty due to all the bad weather. Nothing you would want to steal for yourself. Why do it? Why break my heart again?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Songs for the brother he will never know...

Little Bear and I sing softly...

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Just like Caden in the sky
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Please Vote

In memory of Caden, please go to http://www1.canon.com.au/creativeforacause/Photo/Gallery.aspx?photo=3D3A69845A91DF06 and vote to help the Stillbirth Foundation. It takes about 10 seconds to do, but if they win, the Stillbirth Foundation will be able to fund more valuable and desperately needed research into why so many babies continue to be stillborn each year.

Please forward this to anyone you can...it's free, it takes less than a minute, and you could be helping save hundreds of babies like Caden in the future.

Dear Stillbirth Foundation Australia supporters,

Canon have created a website entitled “Creative for a Cause” on which photographers can load photographs that depict a cause Australians are passionate about. The general public is then able to vote for their favourite photograph, and the one with the highest number of votes is the winner. Canon will then donate $60,000 to the charity nominated by the winning photographer.

The wonderful Belinda Pratten of Freeswimmers has entered a beautiful photograph entitled “Humpback Frolic” and very kindly nominated the Stillbirth Foundation Australia as the charity should her photograph win. Belinda has creatively and cleverly highlighted two very important causes through this photograph, that of whales and stillborn babies, the first recognised and the latter less so. The Stillbirth Foundation Australia would like to ask you to please do two things which will only take a couple of minutes of your time:

1. Follow the below link to the photograph (there may be a small delay as the photograph loads) and select “VOTE” on the bottom right of the screen. You will be asked to verify some letters and for your email address. Please know that Canon use this email address only to ensure that one vote is placed per email address, not for marketing purposes. So, if you have more than one email address, please nominate our photo with each address!


2. Then, please forward this email to as many friends and family and associates as you can. We need as many votes as we can get, and we would love you to use this fabulous electronic web of communication to spread our cause and our need for votes as far as possible.

Remember, if “Humpback Frolic” is the most popular photograph, the Stillbirth Foundation Australia wins $60,000! This amount of money can make a significant difference to reducing the numbers of babies delivered stillborn in Australia through either funding two years of a PhD project or an entire research project – thus providing us with valuable information and the ability to ultimately save babies’ lives. And, all it takes from you is a couple of clicks and a few moments of your time. Please help!

Thank you for your continued support.

Kind Regards,


Melinda Hickin

Office Manager

Stillbirth Foundation Australia


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