gone

I have just been out to visit Caden's grave.

It is stripped bare. There is nothing left.
All of his toys, windmills and gifts are gone.
The gifts my SIL brought back from London.
The gift I bought him for his 6 month birthday.
The windmill we bought on Mothers Day.
The teddy his brother picked out for him.
I feel sick to my stomach and I don't understand.

Happy 8 month birthday Caden.
Everything you own is gone.

Angry at the world, Angry at nothing...

I'm so angry. At times I am literally shaking from rage.
It's not directly anger at the deadbaby situation, but I'd have to be incredibly naive to say it's not indirectly related. Just everything is pissing me off at the moment.
In particular, 3 things.
I'm not going to go into it because that just increases the anger and doesn't get my anywhere - just gets me all worked up again!!!
*sigh* it's quite ridiculous really.

I had a sort of fight with Kim the other day.
Slept on the couch.
We're over it now.

But the other anger issues - still festering away. I don't know how to deal with it.
I think I need therapy.

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burnt" - Buddhist quote

*********************

Just so y'all don't get all worried about me...I'm not all doom and gloom.
Something cute from the other day.
Out of nowhere - R comes out with "Do you think God is letting Caden have rides on Danny?"
"Yes, I think so."
(Danny is our family dog who died of old age last year)
He can be so sweet when he isnt throwing a tantrum over eating his peas...


Wait a minute.

Isn't it funny how you lose perspective?
I decide to write something cute and not as depressing as I thought I was coming across (people have expressed concern) - and what do I come up with? My son asking whether his dead baby brother is getting to ride our dear old dog.

Fuck me.

You never really are the same after your child dies are you??

Children...

Little-Friend-at-School looks at R, then at me and says

“Is that your mother?”
R looks around, sees me - "uh-huh, yep".
She turns and says to me “Did your baby die?”
“Yes he did.”
“Oh. That’s bad.”
“Yes its very sad.”
pause
“Did you know his heart just stopped?”
“No, I went into the hospital and they told me his heart had stopped”
“Just after he was born?”
“No, just before he was born”
“And then did he just go back into…(she curls her hands up)” She seemed lost and insinuating that she thought he just 'evaporated' in a sense, or turned back into a 'seed'...
I interrupted her to say
“No he was born, and then we buried him in the cemetery.”
Little-Next-Door-Neighbour (also in R's class) says “So if your baby didn’t die, R would have had a little brother!”
I say “yes, he has a little brother”
Little-Friend-at-School corrects her “no he'd have a big brother”
I laugh “no, R would be the big brother!”

And that was that.

They said goodbye cheerily to each other and skipped off home.

I love how kids just take it all in their stride.
They aren't afraid to ask about death.
They aren't afraid to upset you.
They are just curious little creatures.

Personally, I love to chat with R's little inquisitive girlfriends.

balloons for caden

We went down to the beach tonight and released the balloons that Lynn sent us on the day of Cadens memorial. It was really peaceful and lovely. Rory wanted Caden to fly down and get them but we explained the balloons would have to fly up to him.

The Big Brother

Rory is in a right state. He has been staying with mum. We took him to Kmart on Tuesday to buy Caden a present to go in his casket. The whole time all he could say was "I want I want" and sulking when he didn’t get his way. I think he isn’t dealing well but doesnt know how to cope with what he is feeling.

I asked him “would you like to get your baby brother a toy to take to heaven with him?” He wanted to know how it would get to heaven. I told him straight that Caden would be put in a box and buried in the ground in a special place. We could put the toy in with him to play with in heaven. He wanted to know how it would get to heaven. He wanted to see Caden. I explained that he was already in heaven.

His first response to my question of what kind of toy he might like to put in was “not a car because he might chew on it” I nearly burst right into tears. We walked around a bit looking at things. Asked whether he might like to get him a My Little Pony. Rory loves My Little Ponies. We looked at them but he wanted to keep looking. “Oh! Here’s the baby toys!” he said. I explained we couldn’t get anything big. It’s a little box. He eventually got to the soft toy aisle. “Maybe a teddy to cuddle when he goes to sleep” he said. I agreed that was a good idea. We found pastel coloured toys in just the right size. We picked a blue giraffe. It suits so well. Caden had lots of giraffes and a romper that says “silly little giraffe”. It’s perfect. We bought one for Rory to have as well.

When we got home he wrote on the card on the toy – it had a To: and From: and he wrote Caden and Rory on it. Then he wanted to write something else. He ended up writing I Love You on it too. He said "when I put the toy in"…
I said “mummy and Kim will put the toy in”
but Rory was firm, he wanted to see Caden. I told him it’s just his body; he has died and will be dead in the box. He still wanted to see him. He wanted to see him now. I explained we couldn’t see him now – I couldn’t see him today either, just tomorrow (the day of the burial).

I said “don’t you think you might be scared, or sad?” he didn’t know, but he was adamant that he wanted to see him. Who am I to deny him his little brother?

I finally felt up to him coming home yesterday. Kim and I picked him up from school. It was the longest we have ever been apart, the 9 nights we were apart. He is being a little challenging but mostly just really over-affectionate, hugging and kissing a lot.

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I got out of thehouse for a few hours, went shopping, and even managed to eat a meal for the first time in 3 days.

Let's call that progress shall we?