So I've been a bad blogger.
I haven't actually been online at all in weeks.
Aside from checking my emails, I've just taken somewhat of a hiatus. Not one I'm entirely happy with, I desperately miss my online community of support, but there are some things going on in my life right now that I'm not entirely comfortable discussing in 'public arenas' such as my blog, or message boards, so I've just been keeping quiet.
I did end up going out to visit Caden on his 6 months.
I wanted to be there for 14:41 - the time he was born, but at that exact moment I was driving there and actually, swearing at a car for cutting me off!
I got 6 balloons in his colours (orange and blue) and wrote some messages for him. I think I wrote a little too much on one of them as it exploded in my hands...I lay with him for awhile, then sent up his balloons.
It was the strangest thing, as I walked into the Children's Garden I got this strong smell, and it was JUST like he smelled on the second day after he was born (I think it was the laundry detergent they used to wash his gown and blanket overnight)
As I was walking out I had the same smell.
So I climbed into the garden and sniffed the blossom trees at the entrance. It was like smelling Caden. I still can't get over just how much it smelled like him. I did a naughty thing and broke off a small branch to take home for Kim (and to sniff on the way home)
Makes me sound a little insane doesn't it?
I have photos at home, will post them tonight.
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Monday, September 15, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
the scent of grief
I have a candle that an online friend sent me after Caden died.
It sits on our Caden Cabinet in our family room.
It had such a strong scent in the room for months. Every day I would get a strong smell of it and smile and think of Caden. Recently though, I haven't smelt it at all, until out of the blue three times in the past week. Incidentally, I have had a few rough "caden moments" in the past week as well, where I broke down and cried for the first time in quite a while.
The candle, and its scent, is a lot like my grief.
It comes and goes in short waves, it was stronger in the first few months, and now it is always there, I just can't always smell it.
It sits on our Caden Cabinet in our family room.
It had such a strong scent in the room for months. Every day I would get a strong smell of it and smile and think of Caden. Recently though, I haven't smelt it at all, until out of the blue three times in the past week. Incidentally, I have had a few rough "caden moments" in the past week as well, where I broke down and cried for the first time in quite a while.
The candle, and its scent, is a lot like my grief.
It comes and goes in short waves, it was stronger in the first few months, and now it is always there, I just can't always smell it.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Changes
I have returned.
On my very short break from the internet (during which I continued to visit certain sites daily - just lurked rather than commented - yes my addiction to the internet is that severe!!) I reached a few conclusions about certain things.
First. My perspective has changed somewhat on the IVF issue. I discovered that I could handle the idea of the 8 month wait fairly well (because really, time flies) until I start thinking about how other people are getting pregnant and having babies now. I discovered that it was not so much that I couldn't get pregnant now, as it was an issue of jealousy that they were doing it now, and a need to 'keep up' as it were.
Really, how ridiculous. I can no longer set our timelines by other people.
Also I decided to shift my focus somewhat and by giving myself certain projects, I feel that I can better pass the time. Of course tied up in all of this was the receiving of a letter from the head of obstetrics at my hospital - telling me that the odds of me having another terminal baby are very high. Higher than we originally thought, and too high for me to even consider trying to have another child without IVF.
In response to the 'bad' news about IVF (in that it will take much, much longer than I was originally told - and the letter mentioned above) I responded in the only way I know how. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, and generally was incredibly negative about everything and anything. I behaved as though it were the end of the world.
On my fifth day of said process (possibly in a state of delirium induced by not having eaten and barely sleeping), I decided enough was enough. I was done wallowing because it solved nothing. I was done being this shell of a person because I know that in part I do it so that everyone around me knows - I am not better. I am not over my son dying.
In some ways, I felt that I was appearing too 'good' to the outside world and I wanted them to know that I was still hurting.
problem is - no-one ever notices.
So it's rather pointless really.
Yesterday I spent the day redesigning my blog. I needed something brighter, something happier. Because while my beloved son dying shook me to the core of my very being, it did not kill me. And I need to brighten up my life and my outlook before I should even consider having another child. That and my surviving son needs me too much.
This is not to say that in a few days I will not fall in a messy heap again - but for now...I think I'm okay. And this morning, in the post, I received an amazing gift. A beautiful bracelet from one of my new friends - the ones who understand me, who will never judge me, and who love Caden.
Thank you Michelle.
Life can be good - it just takes a lot to be able to see it when something as precious as your child is taken from you.
On my very short break from the internet (during which I continued to visit certain sites daily - just lurked rather than commented - yes my addiction to the internet is that severe!!) I reached a few conclusions about certain things.
First. My perspective has changed somewhat on the IVF issue. I discovered that I could handle the idea of the 8 month wait fairly well (because really, time flies) until I start thinking about how other people are getting pregnant and having babies now. I discovered that it was not so much that I couldn't get pregnant now, as it was an issue of jealousy that they were doing it now, and a need to 'keep up' as it were.
Really, how ridiculous. I can no longer set our timelines by other people.
Also I decided to shift my focus somewhat and by giving myself certain projects, I feel that I can better pass the time. Of course tied up in all of this was the receiving of a letter from the head of obstetrics at my hospital - telling me that the odds of me having another terminal baby are very high. Higher than we originally thought, and too high for me to even consider trying to have another child without IVF.
In response to the 'bad' news about IVF (in that it will take much, much longer than I was originally told - and the letter mentioned above) I responded in the only way I know how. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, and generally was incredibly negative about everything and anything. I behaved as though it were the end of the world.
On my fifth day of said process (possibly in a state of delirium induced by not having eaten and barely sleeping), I decided enough was enough. I was done wallowing because it solved nothing. I was done being this shell of a person because I know that in part I do it so that everyone around me knows - I am not better. I am not over my son dying.
In some ways, I felt that I was appearing too 'good' to the outside world and I wanted them to know that I was still hurting.
problem is - no-one ever notices.
So it's rather pointless really.
Yesterday I spent the day redesigning my blog. I needed something brighter, something happier. Because while my beloved son dying shook me to the core of my very being, it did not kill me. And I need to brighten up my life and my outlook before I should even consider having another child. That and my surviving son needs me too much.
This is not to say that in a few days I will not fall in a messy heap again - but for now...I think I'm okay. And this morning, in the post, I received an amazing gift. A beautiful bracelet from one of my new friends - the ones who understand me, who will never judge me, and who love Caden.
Thank you Michelle.
Life can be good - it just takes a lot to be able to see it when something as precious as your child is taken from you.
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