Creme de la Creme/New Space

Hello again my dear friends and readers. I signed in to this account today to submit my creme de la creme 2009 entry...and in looking at it...I only wrote fourteen entries in the entire year last year. Two of which were responses to anonymous comments! There is nothing I can choose from this year that I am particularly proud of, or that were particularly deep. It's quite peculiar looking at it - that an entire year passed me by in the blink of an eye, and without much musing on my little lost one.

How very odd. And a little disappointing.

p.s. I know many of you have found me already in my new space, but if you would like to follow me and haven't yet rediscovered me, shoot me an email at silly little giraffe at gmail dot com (no spaces) and I will send you in the right direction :)

For all of you who supported me over the past nearly two years (two years?? its so fucking wierd to think it has been two years...) thankyou.

Thankyou to those of you who came over from BBC to read my story. For telling me how i opened your eyes to the world of stillbirth.

Thankyou to those of you who are part of the beloved DBM (deadbabymafia) who came to support me and validate me - that I am not insane...

Thankyou to those who came back time after time and mourned Caden's loss with me, raged against the vandals at the cemetary and rejoiced when LB joined us (he's doing well btw)

I'm not leaving this blog...but I am moving on.

The loss of Caden does not occupy my mind the way it once did. I feel like I have said all the things I need to say, I feel like it is time to move on. When my grief was so raw, the pain so intense, this was a lifeline. I came here to pour my soul onto the screen and work through my grief the only way I knew how...through my words. And through your words I got what I needed. I got a friendly ear listening to my rambling. I got words of love and of support, where I received none IRL.

So I say a huge thankyou, and assure you that I will be back with updates intermittently. But I am moving onto a new blog - that will encompass every area of my life - where this one has always been, and will always be my special little place for Caden.

I would love to list individually all the people who I have met on this special journey and who touched me. But to be honest I went from one blog to another to another and there were so many...so many people who touched my heart. You will always be special to me and I will always remember you all, and your precious little babies gone too soon.

xxx

absent but still...

Its so hard to know what to write about in here most days. That's why my entries tend to be few and far between. What do you write?

Monday - I miss Caden
Tuesday - I miss Caden
Wednesday - Went out today. Missed Caden.
Thursday - Cried today. I miss Caden.
Friday - Fuck this sucks, why isnt he here with me?
Saturday - Thought about Caden.

I mean really, I dont spend my days in tears. But I do think of him. I don't wallow anymore the way I used to, but I do think of him a lot. More and more as we approach the 2 year mark (still months from now) as i have heard so many people say, year 2 is harder than year 1 and it's true.

This blog was created about him. My other children don't feature here, because this is his place. So it makes sense that I do not write here every day, as I do not have anything new to say about him!

He's beautiful, he is missed, and he is a star now.

Wave of Light

Last night (my time) was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Rememberance Day. We did the Wave of Light at 7pm lighting two candles and leaving them to burn all night. One for our Caden, the other for all of the lost babies all over the world.

On FB I posted about it and was overwhelmed by the number of people in my life who were lighting candles for my boy.

Much of the time it feels as though we are alone in this journey. That no-one but us is remembering our dear lost ones. And then a few times a year, we see that they are not forgotten, that people remember them with love and affection, even though they do not speak of it on any other day of the year.

So thank you to my friends who are burning candles for my boy, may his light never go out.

Dear Anonymous (dont you love these entries??)

Dear Anonymous (dont you love these entries??)

You said "You cant be serious? Bringing fetal remains into your house.. You must be very upset of course, but that would be prohibited by law i believe.. My science teacher friend lost her baby @ 14 weeks and she had it bottled in formalehyde. At least he was safe there in the house. Yeah, its messed up how ppl do evil things.."

Let me stop laughing before I continue.

Ahem. First off - you are a fucking idiot.
Thats mostly all I need to say...but I'll continue.

I do not plan on digging him up and bringing his remains home. Ever heard of cremation? Its this newfangled thing they've been doing for centuries. We will be having him exhumed and cremated.

In case you are too stupid to understand, this is somewhat different to "bottling up" a baby in formaldehyde.
PS are you freaking serious?

Don't come back now.

ATTENTION: WELL MEANING FRIENDS

Thanks for your comments on my last entry.
For the record, it is NOT the cemetary removing things.

It is their policy NEVER to remove ANYTHING from the children's garden. They confirmed to me on Monday that nothing had ever been removed by their staff and that it is vandals and disgusting criminals stealing from babies' graves.

I know you meant well but I hate hearing over and over "oh it was probably the cemetary staff". It makes it feel like people are minimising how disturbing, distressing and disgusting the whole thing is. It is GRAVEROBBING, people.

We have a plan, and Caden will not be in that awful place much longer, the place that was supposed to be his peaceful eternal resting place but has become a fearful, scary place.

We are bringing him home.

What was I thinking?

It is midnight and I am in a panic.
I am thinking about everything being taken from Caden's grave yet again. I am thinking about what kind of people would do this. Bad people. Scum. Then I think about how he is out there. With those people doing god knows what in the cemetary. Clearly they aren't there for a good reason. Just to cause pain. And I think about him out there, all alone with them.

He isn't safe!
He is my baby and I have left him out there all alone with criminals and disgusting people desecrating his grave!

He isn't safe!
Would I leave my living children in a place with criminals? With bad people?

He isn't SAFE.

And I think of him lying in his casket, crying out for me. Crying, the way LB does. Wanting me to come and save him.

I know it is just the shell of him. That his spirit is gone. We felt that the day of the funeral. But I feel him linked to that shell as we all are in some way.

And I can see him crying for me, scared. So scared. All alone. Wanting to know why I am not there with him.

Why isn't he home with us?
Why didn't I bring him home?
I have to go and get him.
Bring him home where I can protect him.
What was I thinking putting him in the ground so far away from us? With strangers, with bad people walking over the top of him?

What was I thinking?

Heartbreak again

We went out to visit Caden today.

Once again his grave has been stripped bare.

I don't know how long I can continue like this, having him there, being violated over, and over again. I can't handle it. Why do people desecrate graves? Why do people steal from dead babies? What on earth would posess you to do that? The toys were weathered. They were verging on ratty due to all the bad weather. Nothing you would want to steal for yourself. Why do it? Why break my heart again?

Songs for the brother he will never know...

Little Bear and I sing softly...

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Just like Caden in the sky
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are.

Please Vote

In memory of Caden, please go to http://www1.canon.com.au/creativeforacause/Photo/Gallery.aspx?photo=3D3A69845A91DF06 and vote to help the Stillbirth Foundation. It takes about 10 seconds to do, but if they win, the Stillbirth Foundation will be able to fund more valuable and desperately needed research into why so many babies continue to be stillborn each year.

Please forward this to anyone you can...it's free, it takes less than a minute, and you could be helping save hundreds of babies like Caden in the future.

Dear Stillbirth Foundation Australia supporters,

Canon have created a website entitled “Creative for a Cause” on which photographers can load photographs that depict a cause Australians are passionate about. The general public is then able to vote for their favourite photograph, and the one with the highest number of votes is the winner. Canon will then donate $60,000 to the charity nominated by the winning photographer.

The wonderful Belinda Pratten of Freeswimmers has entered a beautiful photograph entitled “Humpback Frolic” and very kindly nominated the Stillbirth Foundation Australia as the charity should her photograph win. Belinda has creatively and cleverly highlighted two very important causes through this photograph, that of whales and stillborn babies, the first recognised and the latter less so. The Stillbirth Foundation Australia would like to ask you to please do two things which will only take a couple of minutes of your time:

1. Follow the below link to the photograph (there may be a small delay as the photograph loads) and select “VOTE” on the bottom right of the screen. You will be asked to verify some letters and for your email address. Please know that Canon use this email address only to ensure that one vote is placed per email address, not for marketing purposes. So, if you have more than one email address, please nominate our photo with each address!

http://www1.canon.com.au/creativeforacause/Photo/Gallery.aspx?photo=3D3A69845A91DF06

2. Then, please forward this email to as many friends and family and associates as you can. We need as many votes as we can get, and we would love you to use this fabulous electronic web of communication to spread our cause and our need for votes as far as possible.

Remember, if “Humpback Frolic” is the most popular photograph, the Stillbirth Foundation Australia wins $60,000! This amount of money can make a significant difference to reducing the numbers of babies delivered stillborn in Australia through either funding two years of a PhD project or an entire research project – thus providing us with valuable information and the ability to ultimately save babies’ lives. And, all it takes from you is a couple of clicks and a few moments of your time. Please help!

Thank you for your continued support.

Kind Regards,

Melinda

Melinda Hickin

Office Manager

Stillbirth Foundation Australia

give me time

I love my blog. I do.
I love the people I have met here. I do.

But I just can't find the time to get on here at the moment!
Bear with me, hopefully as Little Bear grows and I spend less time trying to settle him I will have the time to come back to full time blogging.

Our Three Boys

Well it has been an awfully long time.
There is, however, a very good reason for my absence.



Little Bear arrived on the 7th March after what felt like a very long, and painful pregnancy. I was fortunate to have a great OB who agreed to induce at 36 weeks and our little man arrived weighing 8lbs 3oz.

He is an absolute joy, but has been occupying most of my time lately! Especially as he has had trouble gaining weight - he has just reached 10lb at 11 weeks old.

But he is a happy baby, smiling and laughing at us (when he feels like it).

I can hear you asking "since when was she pregnant??" lol. Well, to be honest we told so few people that some people IRL didnt even know that I was expecting. We only told family and close friends at 26 weeks, and others after he was born! We just didnt want to talk about it at all, it was all just so hard after losing Caden, we talked about it, about him, non stop while I was pregnant, but if anyone asked me anything I gave a short answer and walked away. Pregnancy was just such a shit time for us, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But it is all over now and we have a joyful, tiny bear with us now.

Plus, this space was always for Caden, and Caden alone. It didnt feel right to talk about my pregnancy here. But I have met so many wonderful people through my blog and I wanted to share this with you.

I still think of Caden, but not with the frequency I once did. I still miss him, but have stopped going to the cemetary every week. I have been once since Little Bear was born. I bought him some Easter decorations but never made it out to the cemetary.

LB doesnt take Caden's place, but the hurt has eased a little, I wont lie.
It feels like this is the way it was always supposed to be. Our three boys. Just one of them only had a short time on earth with us, and now he flies with the stars.

Comments on my last post.

"whatever. what quality of life do you think that your son would have had if he lived? You have every right to grieve and tell people to kiss your ass. Get pissed at the cemetary and every person whom you feel is not doing enough to hold your hand. Not everyone is wrong and not everyone is his mother. You can't be pissed at the world because it didn't stop the day you buried your son. Only YOUR world did. And those closest to you. The rest of our city...the sun continues to rise. I hope you are finding peace these days. I know you probably don't care what anyone else cares. That's okay. I'm not losing any sleep." - Anonymous


What?

No really. What?
First off what did I do to deserve this?
Secondly, who the hell are you and do I know you?
Thirdly, have the BALLS to leave your name next time.
Lastly, Honestly, your rant made no sense. Please explain it to me??

I'm at a loss how to feel about this. My first reaction was pure nausea. Just made me feel ill to see someone spew forth such vindictive drivel.

My second reaction, I'm ashamed to say, was to think of a person I know who may have said this. Honestly, I would have thought no-one I know could be so cruel, but I've been surprised before.

I know most people have had an "Anonymous" experience on these sites...but I've been lucky so far to avoid it. Until now.

Honestly...what the hell???

Nothing

The day came and went without being anything other than just another day.
Some flowers arrived from K's parents and her sister.
A package arrived from Jamie & Luisa (loved it btw)
One text message from my very best friend.

I did not make it out to the cemetary at all.
We chose not to.

Apparently this does not sit well with certain people who can kiss my ass.
No I did not make it out there.
No we did not take him cake and balloons.
Yes we do feel mildly guilty.
Is it any of your business? NO.

We will head out there in a week or so. I just couldn't bring myself to face it last week so I chose not to. That is my perogative. Get off my ass.

Death day

Well it has been quite awhile.
Not for any particularly good reason...life has just taken over as it is known to do. We bought a new house and have been frantically trying to renovate it (partly at least) before tenants move into our current house.

Coming up to Caden's birthday tomorrow has been...interesting. I have almost purposely pushed it out of my head despite being reminded by people around me.

I have no idea what we will do to mark the day - probably a cake and some balloons, I know K wants to have dinner at the cemetary, R wants to take pancakes to school to celebrate Caden's birthday (don't ask, I don't understand his logic either!)...but what do I want?

I always assumed that his first birthday would be a big deal. That I would want all our family around to celebrate his little short life.

But I find that I just want to be alone and the though of anyone sharing it with us is just not what I want AT ALL.

Today is my mum's birthday and also the day that we were told Caden had died, and I was induced. Not too sure how I feel about it, mum wanted me to take the day off work, but for what? To sit around at home alone remembering what I was doing every second of the day this time last year? No thanks.

Hmm. I should go and do some work though, considering I am here and all...

Christmas

It has been awhile.
The fact is, like I said, I feel like I have run out of things to say. I've had a few nights of random tears but other than that...life has marched on.
Christmas wasn't as hard as i thought. There were moments where I thought about where we were a year ago and how certain we were that the next year there would be a baby around. There were moments where I really felt him missing...but I was kept so busy with organising Christmas Lunch at our house and renovating the kitchen in time for it - well I just didn't really have any space left in my thoughts for dwelling on what might have been.

We went out to see Caden on Christmas Eve with my mum and took him some little gifts. A white reindeer with red and white striped ribbon (our theme this year was red/white candy stripes) - identical reindeer sat on the lunch table the next day. Kim bought him a little red snowglobe, and I got him a little white wooden train. My mum bought the two garden stakes in the second photo.





There was only one moment where he was brought up on Christmas, when Kims little cousin was reading her Christmas card (we sign off with all our names) and says "who's Caden?"
*cue dead silence* and me pretending I didnt hear her because while it didnt bother me in the slightest (we dont see her often and she wasnt at the funeral or anything) I knew that her mother (who was at the funeral) would be mortified and terrified that she had upset me!

No-one gave him any presents - which I kind of expected - like I've said before, I'm fairly sure everyone thinks we are "over it" because we aren't falling in a big messy heap - and it's one of those things people are eager to "put behind them" and never talk about again....

I want to write more often but I have hit a wall.

The past week has been particularly hard - crying myself to sleep again. I'm not too stupid to realise that a lot of it probably has to do with facing the holidays without Caden. I have been putting off going out to the cemetary though. We have a little Caden corner in our lounge room that I add things too - but Im too scared to leave stuff at the cemetary again. I do have a few things I need to take out though - but I dont want to go out on Xmas day because I know the cemetary will be packed with people and I'm not down with grief in public.

I have been considering my options lately though...and i think I want to have him cremated. I know it sounds wierd to exhume him and cremate him now - but I just do not feel that he is safe out there, all alone, with creepy people stealing his toys. It makes me sick. So that is what I will be investigating in the new year. Sorry if that creeps you out. Not my intention.

Full of The Angry

The past week or so I was pulled into a depressive state...feeling useless and unnecessary and generally not wanted by anyone for anything. Absolutely anything could send me into tears.
Yesterday I felt one of those giant sobs of Caden well up in my chest and I cried for the first time in awhile. Then pushed it away.

And today I find myself full of The Angry.
I am raging at everything and anything.
Lord help you if you get in my way today.

I wish I could calm myself but I can feel the rage fermenting away inside of me like so many grapes in the hot summer sun. I feel for the person who will cop my rage as it spews out of me at some point this afternoon. I pray it's not my boss...

hospital

So I ended up in the hospital on thursday and they decided to keep me in (much to my dismay). I was born with a soft heart murmur and have had episodes of SVT (supravetricular tachycardia) my whole life, but only once or twice a year. When I'm pregnant I have them more often but still only once a month or every two months.

The other day I had three in one day.

So I figured someone should look at it, as I never had a Dr look at it before (despite having it my whole life it never really affects me too much so I didn't bother)

The physician said exactly what I already knew - which was that as they are short episodes, always the same, etc etc, they are not a real issue.

He told me that if they keep happening all the time they can give me medication to slow my heart, and will put me on a 48 hr ECG but unless that happens its not necessary.

But man I don't like hospitals anymore.

I used to, I really did. Having them bring you food, lie around watching tv...it's totally cool by me!
But this time round I got the one bed without a tv (some crappy sign on the wall said it had been removed for unforeseen circumstances) even though there were plenty of empty rooms they could have put me in, they threw me in the one with no tv and an annoying roommate.

First off, when I first went in they took me into the room where we were the week before Caden died and the Dr who ended up seeing me told me she was at Caden's birth (I have no recollection) so it was a pretty big kick in the guts for me - plus I was alone because I went straight after work without K...

Plus, I dont sleep well away from K.
She left at about 11pm and I sat in the sitting room watching tv for awhile. It was okay, made myself cups of milo intermittently and just watched NCIS and SVU.
Eventually I thought I was tired enough to go to bed, and I think I did fall asleep briefly, but woke up around 1:50am.
After lying there for ages, I got up and got myself something to eat and another cup of milo.
Went back to bed.
Fell asleep briefly.
Woke up again at 3:45am.
Cursed the world.
Fell asleep again.
Got woken up at 6am by the annoying roommate asking for "white bread and a facial towel"
say it with me... "WTF!?!"
Then...Then..at 6 am, she pulls out her cell phone and starts CHATTING in Vietnamese for AGES. DUDE. HAVE SOME RESPECT. WHen K came in to visit, we went down to the sitting room so we didnt disturb her and it was only 10pm. I was so freaking mad.
I was so tired I dozed off again briefly.
Until her husband came in, and they sat there chatting and SLURPING NOODLES at freaking 7am.
.
Plus, on top of all that, I could see the room I delivered Caden in from my window (diff floor and wing of the hospital) and there was a light on in the middle of the night - seeing as it was a slow night in the hospital it means more than likely it was another stillbirth (special room) which breaks my heart

all clear

For those of you who remember, my Mother in Law has been battling cancer this year. For those of you who said a prayer for her, who thought of her at any point, who sent positive, healing energy...I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Because 2 days ago we were told by the doctors that she is essentially CURED.

There is no trace of the lymphoma and all of her CAT scans and whatnot are pure and clear. She is well again.

I am thrilled to have some good news at the end of a truly, truly shitty year.