Death day

Well it has been quite awhile.
Not for any particularly good reason...life has just taken over as it is known to do. We bought a new house and have been frantically trying to renovate it (partly at least) before tenants move into our current house.

Coming up to Caden's birthday tomorrow has been...interesting. I have almost purposely pushed it out of my head despite being reminded by people around me.

I have no idea what we will do to mark the day - probably a cake and some balloons, I know K wants to have dinner at the cemetary, R wants to take pancakes to school to celebrate Caden's birthday (don't ask, I don't understand his logic either!)...but what do I want?

I always assumed that his first birthday would be a big deal. That I would want all our family around to celebrate his little short life.

But I find that I just want to be alone and the though of anyone sharing it with us is just not what I want AT ALL.

Today is my mum's birthday and also the day that we were told Caden had died, and I was induced. Not too sure how I feel about it, mum wanted me to take the day off work, but for what? To sit around at home alone remembering what I was doing every second of the day this time last year? No thanks.

Hmm. I should go and do some work though, considering I am here and all...

Christmas

It has been awhile.
The fact is, like I said, I feel like I have run out of things to say. I've had a few nights of random tears but other than that...life has marched on.
Christmas wasn't as hard as i thought. There were moments where I thought about where we were a year ago and how certain we were that the next year there would be a baby around. There were moments where I really felt him missing...but I was kept so busy with organising Christmas Lunch at our house and renovating the kitchen in time for it - well I just didn't really have any space left in my thoughts for dwelling on what might have been.

We went out to see Caden on Christmas Eve with my mum and took him some little gifts. A white reindeer with red and white striped ribbon (our theme this year was red/white candy stripes) - identical reindeer sat on the lunch table the next day. Kim bought him a little red snowglobe, and I got him a little white wooden train. My mum bought the two garden stakes in the second photo.





There was only one moment where he was brought up on Christmas, when Kims little cousin was reading her Christmas card (we sign off with all our names) and says "who's Caden?"
*cue dead silence* and me pretending I didnt hear her because while it didnt bother me in the slightest (we dont see her often and she wasnt at the funeral or anything) I knew that her mother (who was at the funeral) would be mortified and terrified that she had upset me!

No-one gave him any presents - which I kind of expected - like I've said before, I'm fairly sure everyone thinks we are "over it" because we aren't falling in a big messy heap - and it's one of those things people are eager to "put behind them" and never talk about again....

I want to write more often but I have hit a wall.

The past week has been particularly hard - crying myself to sleep again. I'm not too stupid to realise that a lot of it probably has to do with facing the holidays without Caden. I have been putting off going out to the cemetary though. We have a little Caden corner in our lounge room that I add things too - but Im too scared to leave stuff at the cemetary again. I do have a few things I need to take out though - but I dont want to go out on Xmas day because I know the cemetary will be packed with people and I'm not down with grief in public.

I have been considering my options lately though...and i think I want to have him cremated. I know it sounds wierd to exhume him and cremate him now - but I just do not feel that he is safe out there, all alone, with creepy people stealing his toys. It makes me sick. So that is what I will be investigating in the new year. Sorry if that creeps you out. Not my intention.

Full of The Angry

The past week or so I was pulled into a depressive state...feeling useless and unnecessary and generally not wanted by anyone for anything. Absolutely anything could send me into tears.
Yesterday I felt one of those giant sobs of Caden well up in my chest and I cried for the first time in awhile. Then pushed it away.

And today I find myself full of The Angry.
I am raging at everything and anything.
Lord help you if you get in my way today.

I wish I could calm myself but I can feel the rage fermenting away inside of me like so many grapes in the hot summer sun. I feel for the person who will cop my rage as it spews out of me at some point this afternoon. I pray it's not my boss...

hospital

So I ended up in the hospital on thursday and they decided to keep me in (much to my dismay). I was born with a soft heart murmur and have had episodes of SVT (supravetricular tachycardia) my whole life, but only once or twice a year. When I'm pregnant I have them more often but still only once a month or every two months.

The other day I had three in one day.

So I figured someone should look at it, as I never had a Dr look at it before (despite having it my whole life it never really affects me too much so I didn't bother)

The physician said exactly what I already knew - which was that as they are short episodes, always the same, etc etc, they are not a real issue.

He told me that if they keep happening all the time they can give me medication to slow my heart, and will put me on a 48 hr ECG but unless that happens its not necessary.

But man I don't like hospitals anymore.

I used to, I really did. Having them bring you food, lie around watching tv...it's totally cool by me!
But this time round I got the one bed without a tv (some crappy sign on the wall said it had been removed for unforeseen circumstances) even though there were plenty of empty rooms they could have put me in, they threw me in the one with no tv and an annoying roommate.

First off, when I first went in they took me into the room where we were the week before Caden died and the Dr who ended up seeing me told me she was at Caden's birth (I have no recollection) so it was a pretty big kick in the guts for me - plus I was alone because I went straight after work without K...

Plus, I dont sleep well away from K.
She left at about 11pm and I sat in the sitting room watching tv for awhile. It was okay, made myself cups of milo intermittently and just watched NCIS and SVU.
Eventually I thought I was tired enough to go to bed, and I think I did fall asleep briefly, but woke up around 1:50am.
After lying there for ages, I got up and got myself something to eat and another cup of milo.
Went back to bed.
Fell asleep briefly.
Woke up again at 3:45am.
Cursed the world.
Fell asleep again.
Got woken up at 6am by the annoying roommate asking for "white bread and a facial towel"
say it with me... "WTF!?!"
Then...Then..at 6 am, she pulls out her cell phone and starts CHATTING in Vietnamese for AGES. DUDE. HAVE SOME RESPECT. WHen K came in to visit, we went down to the sitting room so we didnt disturb her and it was only 10pm. I was so freaking mad.
I was so tired I dozed off again briefly.
Until her husband came in, and they sat there chatting and SLURPING NOODLES at freaking 7am.
.
Plus, on top of all that, I could see the room I delivered Caden in from my window (diff floor and wing of the hospital) and there was a light on in the middle of the night - seeing as it was a slow night in the hospital it means more than likely it was another stillbirth (special room) which breaks my heart

all clear

For those of you who remember, my Mother in Law has been battling cancer this year. For those of you who said a prayer for her, who thought of her at any point, who sent positive, healing energy...I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Because 2 days ago we were told by the doctors that she is essentially CURED.

There is no trace of the lymphoma and all of her CAT scans and whatnot are pure and clear. She is well again.

I am thrilled to have some good news at the end of a truly, truly shitty year.

sick

Forgive the radio silence but I have been deathly ill for about a week and a half now. It's supposedly "just a cold" but man, I have never been hit like this by a cold before.

I swear, it's not a cold, it's the PLAGUE!

In amongst all this we are renovating the house which is a HUGE nightmare and my computer/phone/everything has been pulled out of the wall...so no internets for me at home anymore.

I haven't been out to visit Caden since we went out for his 8 month birthday and found it bare. I feel terrible for this because I normally go out quite often. I just can't bring myself to go out there, maybe I'm scared of what I will find this time? I think I'm still mad that other babies toys weren't stolen, and seeing all their treasures still there while mine were taken...well it makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I can't believe I feel sick when I think about visiting my son...i think this is the worst part about what happened, it has tainted my view of that place, that place that was peaceful and pure to me up until a month ago...

Dear Anonymous

Anonymous. You said to me, on the post about my son's grave being robbed:

that's poopy.
however, in all honesty, i don't think it really matters. Caden had your love, that's all he ever needed.
your youngest son is playing in the heavens.

a) I don't give a fuck what you think.
b) How dare you come to the blog of a grieving mother and tell her that it doesnt matter that her beloved child's grave was ROBBED
c) Ohh so he's in heaven and that makes it all okay?

I am so angry right now I could spit. That someone would come here and tell me that I should basically NOT CARE that some fucking asshole STOLE all my baby's wordly goods from his fucking grave. Lets see her (I assume) bury a child, tend to their grave and then have it raped in that way.

I'm sorry to be so abrupt. I'm sure it was well intentioned, but seriously. If you have never grieved...dont come here and tell me how to grieve. In fact...even if you have grieved, don't tell anyone else how to grieve, period.

Hearing that someone had gone grave robbing that day sent me into a fit of screaming and crying the likes of which had not occured since the day after I gave birth to my tiny dead son. Don't you take that away from me. Don't you tell me that my heart was not legitimately broken that day.

Read my blog from the start. Go and read my friends in the stirrup queens blog list.

Educate yourself.

good then bad

Well I had a great weekend...followed by getting sick on Monday :(

Weekend was a deaf camp weekend which was so much fun, my whole face hurt by the end of it from laughing so much. I met so many new people it was wonderful. I have a whole new group of friends. Everyone signed which was great...no voice allowed for three days, even the hearing people.

One of the things I love about the deaf community is that there is no pity. Not in a bad way...but...ah, I'll give you an example. Kids are always a hot topic - when you meet someone a usual question is 'you have children?' followed by 'how old' and 'are any of them deaf'?

So the weekend was spent telling a lot of people that I have two children - one is 6yrs old and the other died in February. They almost always just made a bit of a face, the sorry face, but there is no pity, no "oh I'm so sorry" that I hate so much. Just accepted as FACT. Ahh I like that. I got to talk about him with a lot of people who weren't put off by hearing about him. Didn't feel uncomfortable at the mere mention of a dead child.

Add to that a weekend of a lot of good food, drama performances filled with hilarious men in drag putting makeup on each other, people being monkeys and orangutans...oh my...of course there were a lot of late nights, sitting outside in the freezing cold...could be why I ended up sick on MOnday...

Ugh I woke up on Monday and my throat was killing me. And I had to use my voice because I was at work, but I so wished I was still on camp so that I could just sign instead of having to strain my voice. It hurt so much by the end of the day. I took today off work today and have been lazy all day...ahhh I love it.

into my arms

Not one to post lyrics. But I really have nothing valid to write about and this morning there was a stunning rendition of this on the radio, sung unaccompanied by a Darwin artist and I cried all the way to work. It speaks to me of Caden...

I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candle burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms